Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

30 brides for one average dude

Night 1
All the single ladies…and a shark?

Clip in your extensions and glue those fake eyelashes on tight, because Nick has an unprecedented 30 LADIES to romance on the first night. The odds of Nick/anyone watching from the comfort of their couch remembering their names is slim to none, so here’s a helpful cheat sheet:

THE MER-GIRL POD

Mermaid women
L to R: Susannah, Astrid, Alexis, Angela, Brianna, Lauren

SIX ADULT WOMEN said in their interviews that they’d like to be dolphins or Ariel from the Little Mermaid. Maybe it’s because I’m from the landlocked Midwest, but I don’t get the appeal. Lauren says she’d want to be a dolphin because “they get to live in such a beautiful environment, under the sea!” but girl, seriously, HAVE YOU SEEN THE OCEAN?

AHH AHHHHH NATURE NOOOOO.
The Ariel wannabes cite the usual reasons for wanting to be a cartoon princess (great hair, hot boyfriend, seashell bra) but Astrid makes sure to point out that she’d want to be Ariel BEFORE LEGS. ONLY FINS. NO FEET ALLOWED.

GIRLS WHO SEEM COOL IRL, TOO COOL FOR NICK

Cool girls
L to R: Jasmine G, Ida Marie, Dominique, Corinne, Rachel, emoji depicting a deep abiding love for Chipotle

Dominique and Jasmine G have sat through enough icebreaker activities at company-mandated work trainings and are READY for this old chestnut: Lunch with three people alive or dead, and what would you order?

Dominique starts out all over the map with Jesus, her grandpa, and Leonardo DiCaprio, but nails it when she says they’d all be eating Chipotle. Bonus points for Dominique listing Chipotle as something she can’t live without. SAME.

Jasmine G says she’d eat pizza with RuPaul, Prince, and Dave Chappelle, which is my answer to this question, except swapping Dave Chappelle with Judge Judy. She also describes herself as the female Guy Fieri, and as someone who just eats all the time this speaks to me.

Corinne likes Chicago (lots of fun activities!), Frasier, and owns her own business (it’s online, so I can run it from anywhere!) Points to Corinne for showing Chicago some love. I’ll hit up your Etsy store, girl.

Ida Marie lost a few points for not being able to name a book or author she liked, but finished strong by professing her love for Cheetos, pickles, and the movie Step Brothers. Did we just become best friends?

Then there’s Rachel, the attorney who idolizes Michelle Obama and Jean-Michel Basquiat and worries about focusing on her career too much. She seems accomplished, intelligent, and wayyyyyyy too good for a dude that’s been making a living getting dumped on national television and showing his abs on Instagram.

ELIZABETH LIZ

Elizabeth Liz

Most of these profiles blended together in a basic tornado of hair extensions, Nicholas Sparks quotes, and a shared secret love of junk food (So scandalous!). But then there’s Elizabeth Liz, who’s not afraid to be herself and may have a dark past. I MEAN:

If I never had to ______, I would be very happy. Kill someone

Most people filled in this blank with “drive!” or “go to work!” You know, fairly innocuous activities we’d prefer not to do. Not murder. Never murder. Why is murder the first thing you thought of, Elizabeth Liz?? Have you killed before? WILL YOU KILL AGAIN?!

Elizabeth Liz also enjoys picking her nose while driving and gets REALLY ANGRY about golf. I can’t wait to see her on this year’s Hunger Games Bachelor in Paradise.

GIRLS WHO MIGHT ACTUALLY WIN, IF GETTING FAKE ENGAGED TO A DUDE WHO’S ALMOST 40 WITH A FAKE JOB IS CONSIDERED WINNING

Winners
L to R: Danielle, Kristina, Vanessa

Danielle has a tragic backstory about a dead fiance, and if watching that one season of UnReal has taught me anything, it’s that she’ll stick around for a few episodes at least. She’s also close in age to Nick, so maybe their thirtysomething life priorities are more closely aligned than the rest of the tiny baby contestants? Both Nick and Danielle have a working understanding of things like 401(k)s and the importance of a full night of sleep, probably.

Kristina also has a tragic backstory, so she’s probably going to be around a few episodes. Kristina is gorgeous and likes Ninja Warrior, which seem like things Nick would be in to. There’s a 12 year age gap between Nick and Kristina, which he’s also probably in to! Ugh. Why does anyone go on this show?

Vanessa doesn’t have the tragic backstory going for her, but she speaks 3 languages and has a lot to say about onions. She’s also old like Nick (29) and enjoys watching movies at home, which is pretty much all marriage is. I’m sure her and Nick can eventually bond over discussing the merits of buying a Honda Civic and figuring out the best time to get to the farmer’s market to beat the crowds. True love!

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