Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

Episode 2: Vehicular Manslaughter

“Good morning!” Chris Harrison greets the 21 survivors of last night’s cocktail party. “It’s so great to see you all so happy, but it’s not going to last.”

He drops the inaugural date card of the season on the coffee table and disappears into the shadows. Someone (I have face blindness for most of these blonde women, sorryboutit) reads it:

“Becca with the long hair –”

(women scream)

“Get ready–”

(more screaaaaammms)

“to hold on tight!”

BECCA WITH THE LONG HAIR’S DATE

Arie rolls up on a motorcycle and drives Becca to a model home with a whole bunch of lobster tails and champagne on ice in the kitchen. Good start! And look, Rachel Zoe is here! Is this her house? Doesn’t matter, she’s here with a rack of sparkly evening gowns for Becca to try on.

The gist of this entire date is like Pretty Woman, but no one is a hooker. Arie figured Becca was the least material of the girls and would appreciate all these expensive presents he buys the most. Is that shady? It seems MAD shady, Arie! They make out a whole bunch and Becca doesn’t notice that Arie’s neck is hella sunburnt from riding that motorcycle around.

Back at the house, the other girls lounge on the couches. They’re not at all jealous of Becca getting the first date. Honestly, Krystal is glad she didn’t have to go, because her dad was in a motorcycle accident once and like the statistics show that riding a motorcycle is a great way to lose limbs and death and dismemberment is so yucky and Krystal hates it!

Becca puts on her new sparkly gown and totters around in her bloody shoes. Arie and Becca sit down for a dinner of white wine and chat about racing yet again. She jokes that he can fix her brakes, and frankly I’m not mad at Becca for showing some personality! She gets the rose and they kiss under a random shower of confetti.

such sparkle wow

HOMETOWN DATE?!

Another date card arrives at the house, and it’s for Krystal. She doesn’t want to gloat to the other girls, but she TOTALLY WANTS TO GLOAT TO THE OTHER GIRLS. Krystal thinks if she ends every sentence as a question and sighs her words instead of speaking them that she can’t offend anyone. It doesn’t work! Everyone hates Krystal!

Jenny’s face says it all

Arie and Krystal hop on a private jet, and he reveals he’s taking her to…Scottsdale, Arizona! I guess they can go to a Chili’s or something? Arie grew up in Scottsdale, so they visit his first job at Pizza Hut and his high school, which he graduated from 20 YEARS AGO. They also visit his house, which looks suspiciously like a model home with the exception of all the racing helmets he keeps in his closet. Arie’s home videos (who has those laying around??) and childhood pictures remind Krystal of her depressing childhood, and if you don’t think that’s going to come up later, you haven’t been watching this show for 20 years!

Before they head out to dinner, Arie takes Krystal to meet his parents and possibly a sibling? The highlight of this interaction is that there’s a cute dog present. The lowlight is Krystal and Arie’s mom both really love face fillers and kind of look the same.

mom on left, girlfriend on right

Dinner is in the creepy old apartment where they filmed the original Blade Runner. The main course is red wine, and naturally the subject of Krystal’s terrible childhood comes up. She cries recounting her parents’ divorce and brother’s homelessness, and Arie is SO SAD to see her like this, despite bringing up the subject. To cheer Krystal up, Arie surprises her with a private serenade from Connor Duermit (WHO?????) and gives her the rose.

BASHELOR DEMOLITION DERBY

The group date is 15 ladies and I still can’t match most of their names with a face. They’re having a demolition derby! This is so dangerous, Chris Harrison! You crazy minx!

Most of the girls are psyched and start decorating their cars. Chelsea, who is Not Here To Make Friends™, misspells the word “bitches” on her car (bitchs, in case you were unsure how you screw that one up). Smashing up old cars is something Tia does for fun back home in rural Arkansas, which reminds us all never to go to rural Arkansas.

Unfortunately, not everyone is loving this extraordinarily unsafe activity. Annalise can’t stop sobbing because this reminds her of a terrible trauma she experienced when she was in a car accident as a kid. Oh wait, it was a bumper car accident?? That’s how bumper cars work, girl!

wait is annalise kart kid??

The women are ruthless and smash each others’ cars to bits. Brittany is so hardcore she gives herself a concussion. (Hope she signed a waiver!) Ultimately, Seinne is the last car standing, so she gets a cheap trophy and has to drink milk. How is that a prize, Arie?

Drama simmers at the cocktail party. Bibiana is trying to get a minute to talk to Arie but other girls keep cutting in. Her patience is trialed. TRIALED, y’all.

Chelsea reveals she has a kid, Seinne gets the rose, and Bekah with the Short Hair and Arie sloppily make out for an eternity. PARTY OVER.

ROSE CEREMONY

The next night is the Rose Ceremony, and despite having a rose, Krystal keeps interrupting the other girls to talk to Arie in her breathy porn voice. She’s not making any friends, and Bibiana tells her to BACK THE F OFF. SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN. MIC DROP. Maybe this drama would have been surprising had it not been in every preview, but it surprises no one.

Chris Harrison shows up wearing a matching suit and tells Arie to start handing out the roses. Becca with the Long Hair, Krystal, Seinne, Maquel, Jacqueline*, Bekah with the Short Hair, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S*, Lauren B*, Tia, Annalise, Kendall*, Brittany, Ashley*, Marikh, Caroline* and Bibiana are in.

*sorry but WHO ARE YOU

That means Valerie (who is serving some Kate Bush/Wuthering Heights vibes in that red dress), Lauren G, and Jenny are out. Jenny takes it very personally and curves Arie on her way out. He follows her and apologizes, but she’s not sad about him, she’s sad to leave her new friends. Jenny also stands motionless as Arie tries to hug her. I’m sad to see Jenny go, because these are unprecedented levels of salt and I’m LOVING it.

Next week: Pro wrestling! Crying! Surprised reaction shots!

 

 

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