Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

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Episode 3: Oh my GLOB

It’s only Week 3, and one of the Laurens says she’s “emotionally and physically drained”. Chris Harrison’s ears perk up at the sound of human suffering, so he apparates into the mansion to drop off the first date card of the week. Don’t let his dad flannel deceive you, he’s a demon who is always plotting.

GORGEOUS LADIES OF BACHELOR WRESTLING

It’s a sports date, and we all know nothing brings out the worst of humanity than SPOOOOORTS. The girls are being transformed into pro lady wrestlers for a day, much to Bekah with the Short Hair’s delight.

“This date is going to be fun for all of us because we’ll all be really uncomfortable,” Arie tells the viewers, reminding us that he doesn’t understand the concept of fun.

Two former GLOW girls show up to teach the contestants some moves. The GLOW ladies have lived some rough lives and are not here to be nice to a bunch of twentysomethings in crop tops. They toss the contestants around and jeer at their inability to do a clean forward roll. Bibiana and Tia are reduced to tears. Nobody told them wrestling is fake!

The girls get their own wrestling personas. Krystal is the Cougar, or as she pronounces it, “Q-garrrrrrrrrr”. But before the girls get into the ring, Arie has to face off against Kenny from Rachel’s season! I was hoping Kenny would throw Arie out of the ring and reclaim the title of Bachelor (because Arie’s got the personality of a stale dinner roll, tbh), but sadly Arie “wins”. The girls wrestle and several of them appear to get concussions.

The night portion of the date takes place in a trailer park, but like a cute hipster one? Arie sits in one of the trailers and makes out with each girl. In an effort to not have to see so much of his tongue during the makeouts, I focused on his hands as they played with everyone’s extensions. Dude definitely gets manicures.

Krystal is still riding high from meeting her clone Arie’s mom last week and asks what she could do to stand out. Like how much psychological warfare can she wage against the other girls and still be cute to him? Arie is only half listening and tells Krystal to “be herself”, thereby granting her permission to go full evil.

Krystal right now

YOU HAD ME AT MERLOT

A solo date card arrives for Lauren S. Arie’s taking her to wine country! He’s excited about the date because he “doesn’t know much about Lauren S.” Like what the S stands for, for one.

Lauren S. and Arie stroll around vineyards and drink from wineglasses the size of their heads. Thankfully, this is not a wine date where they stomp grapes with their nasty ass bare feet. Turns out they have a few things in common, like how they both enjoy getting 8 hours of sleep every night.

During dinner, Lauren S. can’t stop rambling to Arie. She loves her family! And her career is important. And TED Talks! “There’s power in problems.” Cardigans are great too! Arie glazes over as Lauren S. talks, since he’s the worst and not the subject of conversation. Lauren S. wonders why she can’t stop talking, somehow overlooking the fact that she’s been drinking wine all day and weighs as much as an Italian greyhound.

Arie picks up the rose and gazes into Lauren S.’s eyes. “I can’t give you this,” he tells her. WHAT. I could have sworn I saw Lauren S. in a later preview, but it must have been one of the other blondes.

TROUBLE AT THE MANSION

A producer removes Lauren S.’ suitcase from the mansion as all the girls lounge around in pajamas and fully contoured faces. They all sob as if they’ve learned Lauren S. has died in battle.

godspeed lauren S

Well, everyone except for Krystal. Obviously Lauren S. wasn’t here for the right reasons! Not like Krystal, who is SO HERE for Arie.”Krystal needs to get off her high horse and stop being condescending just because she met his dog,” Caroline sobs to some girl whose name I don’t know. The girl hivemind turns against Krystal, but she doubles down on being awful and goes full Gretchen Weiners. She just can’t help being Arie’s favorite!

 

DOG DATE AFTERNOON

The second group date has Arie and the remaining ladies training dogs to perform in a painful showcase that I hope no one paid money to see. Annalise breaks down in tears, because like bumper cars, she’s traumatized by dogs! The show splices in a re-enactment of Baby Annalise getting bitten by a ferocious chihuahua and it is TOO EXTRA. Annalise gets stuck as the pooper scooper for the dogs, and as whiny as she’s been, I feel really bad for Annalise.

This date is largely uneventful until Fred Willard shows up. Is there really a crossover between fans of The Bachelor and fans of Best in Show? Who asked for this?

how did you get here fred

That evening, Chelsea tells Arie this date was tough for her. Being in a playground setting around dogs where children were present reminded Chelsea of her own offspring, whom she occasionally misses. But she’s living her best life! Chelsea confuses me. She tells the other girls she wants extra time because she’s a mother, but never speaks fondly/at all of her kid. Arie liked that she expressed her nurturing side to the dogs, so he gives Chelsea the rose.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Sadly, Annalise decides that she needs to kiss Arie RIGHT NOW and drags him to a balcony where all the other girls could see their awkward interaction. She asks for Arie to kiss her, and he’s like:

Bibiana also makes a play for Arie, setting up a romantic mattress with a telescope. Her plans are foiled when Arie and Last Lauren Standing discover the mattress and make out all over it.

The mattress gets a lot of mileage, because Arie takes Bekah with the Short Hair over there too. “I think you like me because you know I don’t need you.” she tells him. POWER MOVE, BEKAH. Also you really don’t need him, you should leave!! HE GROSS.

Tia sets up hay bales and moonshine for her and Arie to hang around on, since that’s what you do in Arkansas! “This moonshine tastes like gasoline,” says the man who has DEFINITELY drank gasoline before.

he does like cars

Annalise intercepts Arie again and asks if he’s feeling a connection.

still nope

She decides to cut herself before the Rose Ceremony.

ROSE CEREMONY

Roses go to Chelsea, Bekah with the Short Hair, Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Last Lauren Standing, Brittany, Becca with the Long Hair, Seinne, Krystal Weiners, Tia, Maquel, Jacqueline, Marikh, and Jenna who is SO WASTED SHE CAN BARELY STAND.

That means Bibiana, and only Bibiana, is out. “The Devil is working OT,” she tells us. Girl, you have NO IDEA.

the devil

 

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