Look, there’s a pretty standard cycle with the Bachelor/ette franchise. Narrow the field to two contestants, get fake engaged to one, give the loser another chance at love 6-8 months later on the next season. Sun rise, sun set.
But then we had Jojo’s Bachelorette season (woof). She was swept off her feet by Aaron Rodgers’ little brother, leaving what’s-his-face sobbing on a beach somewhere. But what’s-his-face (Charb? Brompton? Twom?) wasn’t nearly charismatic enough to helm his own show. And the cowboy guy that got third place couldn’t speak in complete sentences! There is not enough Franzia in the world to get Bachelor Nation through a season starring either of those duds (though we would have tried).
So instead of casting someone new, the new Bachelor is Nick Viall, who you might remember as the guy who got dumped by two Bachelorettes, was shitty to them both, and posts more selfies than any man ever should.
LET’S SCRAPE THE BOTTOM OF THIS BARREL, SHALL WE:
1. He’s 36, which is OLD. None of the women cast are older than 31. Which makes sense, since everyone knows women don’t show up on TV cameras after they hit 32.
2. He’s one of 11 children. 11! Once you’re in the double digits of offspring I can’t help but think there’s some wackadoo religious beliefs at work (not that dating 30 women at a time would go against any of those.)
3. From the official site: “with a double major in accounting and supply chain management, Nick is one of the most accomplished and successful Bachelors.”
4. He got really ripped after Kaitlyn dumped him, but now his body doesn’t match his baby face and he looks sort of frankensteined together. Abs aren’t everything.
5. Interests, based off a cursory scroll through his Instagram: Working out, himself, dogs, straightening his ties, his own face, finding stairs to sit and contemplate on, other Bachelor rejects
FUN TIMES AHEAD