Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

Justice for Chachi

Becca and the remaining husbands are flown out to Thailand for Fantasy Suite week. She’s “in love with two men and falling in love with a third”. How exhausting!

BLAKE’S DATE

Blake hasn’t seen Becca since hometowns and is antsy to see her. Too bad this temple they’re about to hike to doesn’t allow any kissin’ in a 5 mile radius! Blake and Becca furiously make out juuuuuust before the entrance to the temple before crossing over.

They talk to a monk who tells them that the secret to lasting love is honesty, compromise, patience, and giving. Which…yeah! That’s pretty standard advice. You can definitely buy an embroidered throw pillow at Marshall’s with the same sentiment. To Blake and Becca though, this is mind-meltingly profound.

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yep that’s it

It’s raining ominously as they make their way to the night portion of the date. Blake is in love with Becca, but can’t help but question whether she loves him back or if she’s in love with Garrett (Jason has basically ceased to exist at this point). He asks her how she feels, and Becca follows strict Bachelor doctrine by reassuring Blake that he’s solid and consistent instead of dropping an L-word. Blake says he’s so happy to be with her and feels like nothing can mess it up. Deep in his subterranean lair, Chris Harrison’s ears perk up.

Over more wine, Becca asks Blake if he’d really be ready to propose to her in a week.

Blake tells her absolutely; he’s the kind of guy that “looks for a reason to stay, not a reason to go”.

ONE TICKET TO THE BONE ZONE FOR YOU, BUDDY!

Blake and Becca’s Fantasy Suite is an upscale hotel, while they promptly mess up by flopping on the bed without taking their shoes off. There’s a sharp cut to a commercial, then they’re back the next morning staring into one another’s eyes in bed. Becca’s dress is on the floor, yet her makeup is still FLAWLESS.

Becca doesn’t want to leave and can’t stop kissing Blake. She’s in love! Yay! I declare that from now on they’ll be known by the couple name of BLECCA.

JASON’S DATE

Becca pries herself away from Blake to go on a date with Jason, they guy who she’s “falling in love with”. Bad news, bay-bee, she’s already IN LOVE with Blake. Jason doesn’t know any of this and tells the producers that Becca is his BFF and partner and hopeful future fiancee. This is not going to end well!

They explore a market and eat crickets. Becca comments on liking a sculpture. Jason jokes that they can put it in their future condo.

put some buffalo sauce on these, bay-bee

RECORD SCRATCH. All it takes is an innocuous joke about interior decorating to send Becca into a spiral of despair. She doesn’t see Jason in their future condo, she sees Blake. She ditches Jason temporarily to go hyperventilate to a producer. He notices but is somehow not bothered!

Becca knows she needs to send Jason home, but decides to at least keep him around until dinner. That’s a mistake, because Jason uses their dinner of wine and air to sincerely confess that she broke down his walls and is so beloved by his family and –

Becca dips out again. Jason tells the cameras he doesn’t know what’s going on. TAKE ONE GUESS, MY GUY!

She returns to the table and explains that she can’t see a future together, despite how much fun they had. She can’t give Jason the sex date, either. He asks if she’s sure. Becca is DEFINITELY sure. He asks if she’s super duper sure their relationship is over and they’re not going to do it. Becca sends him off in a sad Uber.

For being cut unexpectedly, Jason handles things well. He says it’s brutal, but Becca deserves the best. And he might deserve to be the Bachelor, bay-bee!

GARRETT’S DATE

The next morning, Becca is still shook over sending Jason home. She sees no difference in her actions and Arie’s, except Arie PROPOSED TO HER WHEN HE WAS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE, so I think he still wins this asshole contest. She laments that there must be something wrong with her for letting Jason go. There’s nothing wrong with her, she’s just in love with Blake! It’s that simple!

Or is it? Because here comes Garrett in his cargo shorts, ready to go river rafting. Becca gives him a signature Aliens hug and screams “WE’RE IN THAILAND!!!”

WE’RE IN THAILAND! WE’RE ON A RAFT!!!

This rafting date looks fun, but very humid. There’s a festival and tons of people and elephants are in the river. I was hoping one of the elephants would eat Garrett, but he survives to make it through to the evening portion.

I’ve clocked Garrett in the past for being perpetually sweaty and Thailand does nothing for him. He sweatily tells the camera that he is so deeply in love with Becca, but his forehead doesn’t move. I’m not buying it! Becca, however, is way into Garrett. So into him that when he gives non-answers about getting engaged again, she ignores it and he gets the Fantasy Suite card.

This Fantasy Treehouse looks like a spider-filled, non air-conditioned NIGHTMARE. Becca and Garrett wake up in it the next morning staring at each other and describing random things happening around them. “We’re in Thailand! In at treehouse! There’s birds chirping”. UGHHHH.

Becca describes Garrett as “her heart’s equal” and waltzes back to her hotel. WHAT ABOUT BLAKE? IS BLECCA NO MORE?

how dare you love garrett too Becca

CHACHI RETURNS

Jason’s flight hasn’t left Thailand, and he goes to Becca’s hotel to speak his mind. I think most women get nervous when a guy they’ve rejected comes back, and the lead up to this entire interaction was anxiety-inducing! Is he going to yell and be a dick?

me again, bay-bee

It turns out that Jason’s here to part on good terms and cry a little. “The love I have for you is the most genuine I’ve ever had in my life,” Jason says. OH GOD, HE MADE BECCA A SCRAPBOOK. Nothing can unravel a person like a scrapbook!

Through her tears, Becca says the Bachelor franchise world needs more guys like Jason. Pretty sure he’ll be handing out roses come January!

ROSE CEREMONY

Chris Harrison wanted a free trip to Thailand and moderates a Rose Ceremony, even though their are two roses and two guys left. Blake and Garrett STILL sweat it out until Becca shows up and assures them that neither of them are cut, and they’d better get ready to propose to her in two weeks in the Maldives!

Next week: The Men Yell All!

 

 

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