Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

So Much Conch

It’s Week 7 of the Bachelorette, and Becca and her remaining husbands are in the Bahamas. Weeks 5 and 6 were typical of the mid season Bachelor franchise slump (bleak and terribly stupid) and work projects got in the way of recapping. However, if you’re still yearning for a detailed breakdown, check out the podcast 2 Black Girls 1 Rose. Justine and Natasha drag these husbands for their terrible outfits, life choices, and petty drama. It’s hilarious. Their podcast is a gift to us all.

go listen right meow

Despite being in the Bahamas for 2 hours, every one of these dudes is already sunburnt. A haggard Chris Harrison informs Becca that she’s giving out three solo date roses and a single rose during a three-on-one date. Whoever gets a rose gets to take Becca to their hometown, so it’s kind of a big deal.

Colton is chosen for the first date, and the guys all wonder if he’s going to reveal his big secret to Becca. He has a skeleton in the closet, but what could it be?

COLTON’S DATE

Becca can’t stop gushing about how HAWT and HUNKY Colton is. They make out on the bow, stern, aft, and everywhere else on this catamaran. Becca is wearing a bikini, but Colton only has khaki shorts.  Why did he not bring swim trunks?

you knew you were going on a boat dude

In between shoving their tongues deep into each other’s windpipes, Colton tries to tell Becca his huge secret: he’s a virgin. Which like…ok? Are we supposed to be shocked that an attractive sports dude is still a virgin? There are way worse secrets to be keeping from Becca than the fact that you haven’t slept with anyone, Colton! (Strong side eye at internet racist Garrett and ACTUAL SEX OFFENDER Lincoln).

Chris Harrison uses his evil magic to enchant a party boat to pull up next to Colton and Becca’s boat just as he’s about to spring his virginity secret on her. It’s not just any party boat, either – the captain informs them that they’re going conch diving RIGHT NOW, and that conch is a ~natural aphrodisiac~! Conch is also GROSS AS HELL. The only part of the mollusk that Becca and Colton eat looks like phlegm. NO THANKS.

On the dinner date, Colton finally stops kissing Becca long enough to reveal that while he spent a lot of time working on Football Colton, Personal Colton fell by the wayside. Ergo, he never had sex with any ladies because he was too busy with sports.

Say it with me, friends: SPORTS RUIN LIVES.

Given how upset Becca was just THINKING that Colton and Tia hooked up, you’d think she’d take this news as a relief. Instead, she walks out and leaves Colton to sweat into his sad dinner of white wine and what appears to be half of an onion on a plate.

When Becca returns, Colton mentions he’s not waiting for marriage to have sex, just the right person. Meaning that a Fantasy Suite date with him and his pecs is still on the table.

fantasy suite you say?

Becca gives him a rose POST HASTE.

GARRETT’S DATE

Garrett spends the first chunk of the episode stressing over the fact that Colton is a virgin and how it’s so weird. He also is breaking out like crazy in this heat. Becca is seemingly dicknotized by Garrett, so she overlooks his acne and shoves him into a rickety old sea plane for date #2.

They hang out on a private beach, and Becca feels like they’re the only people on Earth. (Except for the entire camera crew). Garrett tells her he’s not perfect, and we all know his internet history can attest to that! They also make out a whole bunch, which, WUGH.

Garrett puts on his best pair of Dockers for dinner. Becca’s looking for depth from him and asks if he dated anyone after his ex-wife. You can see the wheels spinning in Garrett’s head as he tries to downplay all of his hookups. He reminds Becca how goshdarn mean his ex-wife was, and since he’s such a stand up guy Becca gives him the rose. GIRL. WHO DID HE VOTE FOR.

Garrett also tells Becca he’s beginning to fall in love with her, and they celebrate by going night swimming in the ocean. They’re not eaten by sharks. Sigh.

not actual footage

BLAKE’S DATE

Poor Blake had an early one-on-one and has been sweating where he stands with Becca ever since. Literally, between the nerves and his sunburn he’s a damp, nervous wreck. They go to a beach party where the Baha Men are playing. Kudos to the Baha Men for still being around, I guess! Blake is a terrible dancer, but he really commits so that’s something. This entire date seems like it would only be fun if they were both hammered drunk.

Blake admits to Becca that not having a date has been hard as heck, and she totally understands. She also understands how Arie must have felt, because she’s into several of these dudes! Blake looks crushed.

Dinner is a plate of scrambled eggs and wine. Becca wants to know about Blake’s family, and he tells her the sad story of how his mom cheated on his dad with HIS BASKETBALL COACH. This is a plot from a Nicholas Sparks book. Even so, Blake still believes in love and tells Becca that he loves her. It’s a sweet moment, and off camera Becca tells us that she loves Blake too.

!!!! He obviously accepts the rose.

GROUP DATE

You can’t help but feel bad for Leo, Wills, and Jason. Not only are they subjected to the three-on-one, but the budget for the dates is drained so they have to ride the crappiest boat to play volleyball at the public beach.

Shoutout to Wills for his impressive summer fashions. He came to the Bahamas in a leopard shirt and shorts set and followed it up with a 1970s upholstery fantasy.

Please wear all of this on Paradise

Leo grabs Becca first. They had a one-on-one during the dregs that was episodes 5 and 6. Shockingly, Leo didn’t go home despite their lack of chemistry. He tells Becca that even though the other guys could offer her a house and an easy life, all he can offer her is love. Subtext: Leo is broke. Becca cuts Leo.

Jason and Wills stick around for the dinner date. Everyone is either way overdressed or underdressed. Wills wants Becca to meet his parents, who have been married for 50 years. That is an accomplishment, but also how old are Wills’ parents?! Becca mulls this over, but ultimately decides to give the rose to Jason, a man whose name she forgot several weeks ago and who unfortunately looks like Charles in Charge.

Wills is so heartbroken that he has the Uber XL driver pull over so he can get out of the car and cry. Rumor is he’s headed to Paradise, but STILL! His great patterned shirts! His parents who have been married for HALF A CENTURY! His absolute lack of time for Chris R drama! How could you, Becca?!

Next week: Hometowns!

 

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