Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

This Ends Poorly

Becca’s quest for love has come to an end, and I think we can all say with confidence that she did not pick a winner! Let’s relive the three hour slog to the finish line that was “the most emotional finale ever”.

YOU LIE

MEET THE FAMILY

Everyone gathers in the Maldives. I’m not sure who all these uncles are, but they’re more than willing to be surrogate dads if it means a free tropical vacation.

Garrett is up first to meet the family. Judging from the audience reaction to Chris Harrison’s mention of Garrett, he’s the favorite. WHY. YOU ALL HAVE THE INTERNET.

garrett’s instagram history

Uncle Chuck wastes no time questioning Garrett. He thinks it’s weird his marriage only lasted two months. Same, Uncle Chuck! Garrett naturally blames his ex for being mean to him and his family. Uncle Chuck stays on the offensive and grills Garrett on how he’d handle hard times until Garrett breaks down and professes his undying love for Becca.

The tears keep flowing and work for Becca’s sister. Garrett just loves too much and has never been loved in return! He has the beautiful soul of a poet! HE ALSO BELIEVES THE PARKLAND SHOOTING WAS FAKE.

Blake is up next and brings a bottle of wine, already putting him leagues ahead of Garrett. He wins Becca’s sister over by saying that he “gravitates towards independent women”. Seemingly things are going well, until Becca’s mom tells Blake that he will be fine whatever happens. Mom translation: Becca’s picking the other doofus. Uncle Chuck twists the knife even deeper by asking Blake if he had any concerns about Garrett besides, like, possibly marrying his girlfriend.

Blake is in a tailspin in the confessional interview. He’s sure he’s going home, and based on this date it looks that way! But perhaps this is the deft hand of the editors making us believe that Garrett has it on lock when all along Blake wins her heart??

calculating Blake’s odds like

TWOU KEEPERS

Any clarity Becca hoped for after the bros met her family is gone. In a heavy Minnesota accent Becca’s mom declares she’s found “twou keepers!”

There’s still two final dates. Garrett is up first and they hop on a boat to watch dolphins and squint at each other. Why doesn’t anyone on this show wear sunglasses? You’re all gonna get crow’s feet! Becca is gushing over how much her family liked Garrett. Garrett observes that Becca has freckles that come out in the sun and he likes that.

i can’t with garrett

Boats are fun and all, but it’s got nothing on A JOINT COSTCO MEMBERSHIP. Becca and Garrett’s dream of the future sounds depressing, but they’re deeply on this suburban bullshit. Garrett tells Becca that he felt her dad’s spirit when he met her family, and it’s in this moment someone should have done Blake a favor and put him on a plane home.

From day one Becca’s been dicknotized by Garrett’s square jaw and limited vocabulary, but perhaps there was a stronger D at work all along: daddy issues. Forget a guy who likes her independence, Becca wants the guy who can fly fish, crack corny jokes, and vote republican. It’s sad that Becca’s dad died, but it’s way weird that her main metric for finding a husband is how much he reminds her of her father.

All this time, Blake is spiraling. He wants to be confident in their relationship, but he’s felt the shift in Becca. They get a crummy date of bike riding. There’s a lot of b-roll of bats on their date. Not a good omen! Blake even makes Becca a scrapbook, but Jason already tried that play. You can only have so many scrapbooks.

DECISION TIME

There is like an hour and a half left of this. HOW. Anyway, it’s the next morning and Neil Lane has risen from his grave to share some blood diamonds with the boys.

Side note: typically these dudes ask the Bachelorette’s dad for her hand in marriage. Have we moved beyond this tired tradition!? Or did these dudes just figure that since she doesn’t have a dad they can do whatever? Either way, it stinks!

It’s roughly 200 degrees in the Maldives and everyone is sweating. Becca wears a sequined gown and has to walk down a mile long pier in heels. Each husband is on a catamaran to go meet her and propose. Per Bachelor law, the first one to show up loses.

Blake shows up first. Oh no. Any hope of a misdirect by the producers is gone. He’s all smiles going up the pier to meet Becca, but he’s about to get slaughtered.

Blake tells her that she changed his life and he believes in love. He asks her if she’d let him “spend the rest of my life making you smile?”

That’s a nope from Becca. WUGGG.

NEITHER DID WE

She does a lousy job of consoling Blake, essentially telling him that their relationship was so consistent and drama free that it distracted her from Garrett for like, 9 of the 12 weeks the show filmed. Except then she realized she loved Garrett more. Oopsie.

Blake is sobbing and sweating. He’s so damp! It looks like he’s going to pass out from heat exhaustion as Becca walks him out. He has nothing left to tell her except “I love you”, then he’s out. TRAGIC.

Becca sobs for awhile until Garrett’s boat arrives. His proposal to her invokes a future of changing diapers and driving minivans. She accepts.

REALLY BECCA. REALLY.

 

THE AFTERMATH

Chris Harrison needs to feed off misery to prolong his life, so Blake is forced to watch himself being broken up with. Through his sadness, Blake is cordial and wishes Becca the best. He’s not letting this breakup hold him back from love, which is a strong pitch for being the next Bachelor if I’ve ever heard one!

Becca and Garrett come out and everyone is thrilled. Chris Harrison should have pulled out the receipts for Garrett’s racist and sexist online behavior, but FOR ONCE decides not to be a messy bitch who lives for drama. Becca is seemingly unbothered by any of it, her days of voting for Hillary and attending the women’s march far behind her. To her, Garrett has a “pure and genuine soul”, even if his browser history is trash.

Garrett reads an apology a publicist wrote for him, saying he’s so sorry for anyone he offended. He didn’t mean to! He just didn’t care about anyone’s feelings until he got caught! As Chris Harrison sums up, “its a relationship. There’s ups, there’s downs”. There’s liking right wing conspiracy theories online.

Siiiiiiggggggghhhhh. This is like a much lamer, midwestern Grimes defending a significantly less wealthy and intelligent Elon Musk. May they break up soon!

go drive into a ditch

Next week: the return of Bachelor in Paradise!

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