Chris Harrison and his dark acolytes at ABC are trying to kill us all with 6 hours a week of Bachelor action. I’m drawn to Winter Games like a raccoon to a dumpster behind a Taco Bell, so here’s what went down in episode 2.
POST ROSE CEREMONY
The next morning, everyone recovers from the Rose Ceremony by lounging around the house under flannel blankets. It’s like if LL Bean shot a catalog but used fitness Instagram influencers instead of models. Luke (the dead-eyed cowboy from Jojo’s season) and Stassi (the Swedish bachelorette who loves lip injections) bond over the fact that they both ALMOST DIED from similar heart complications. How sweet!
Clare (from Juan Pablo’s season and several hundred spinoffs) has been flirting with Canadian cutie Benoit and former German Bachelor Christian. She claims to like both, but she gives Benoit the cold shoulder while cozying up to Christian. This doesn’t look good for the singular glasses-wearing contestant ever on the franchise.
EVENT 2: SPEED SKATING
The contestants get bussed to a local skating rink where Chris Harrison announces that they’ll be competing in speed skating. Except it’s not really speed skating, because everyone is just wearing hockey skates and skating in circles. Despite the half-assed commitment to the sport, the contestants all have to stuff themselves into spandex unitards. Every dude’s nipples are like arrowheads under these sports costumes and they are super uncomfortable. I cackle alongside Chris Harrison.
Only half of the races are televised because nobody wants to watch medium-speed skating. In a twist, the losers from each race will compete to win the date cards. Stassi and Dean are the best of the worst and are rewarded with date cards.
Josiah and Ally skate around together, making their own date out of nothing. Christian asks Clare if she’d like to cook dinner and hang out in the Jacuzzi with him later. It’s a date (kind of)!
A NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS
Everyone heads back to the house where they are greeted by a mysterious intruder with a receding hairline. Who is he?? Jordan, apparently, who was Bachelor New Zealand and has a baaaaaad reputation.
While Jordan sips his scotch, a group gossips about him in the kitchen. Rumor has it he didn’t like any of the girls on his season, so he flipped a coin and picked one to propose to. Ben Higgins, the moral center of the franchise, is INCENSED. Still wearing his skating unitard, he grabs Jordan and everyone in the kitchen interrogates him. Jordan did flip a coin because he wasn’t feeling either girl, but the one he chose ended up going to the tabloids and making him out to be a bad dude. That’s good enough for the contestants and they all return to their regularly scheduled binge drinking.
Upstairs, Ashley I and Kevin are wrapped up in conversation. Things have cooled with Bibiana and Kevin, and Ashley I is ready to make her move. After all, they are in love because they hugged once. Kevin decides to talk to Bibiana, and it’s not televised?? I’m assuming they had an uncharacteristically mature conversation and moved on. Meanwhile, Ashley I plans her wedding to Kevin.
THE JACUZZI APPOINTMENT
Earlier in the day, Christian asked Clare to hang out with him in the Jacuzzi. Unfortunately, it is packed to the brim with bros and a few girls. Plus, Clare is nowhere to be found! Christian is pissed. He’s a punctual guy, and in Germany when you make an appointment to go into a Jacuzzi with someone, IT’S A DATE.
Eventually the Jacuzzi empties out, and Christian sits in the scum sad and alone. THERE WERE JUST 9 PEOPLE IN THIS THING, BRO. IT IS LIKE A HOT TOILET RIGHT NOW.
Meanwhile, Clare and Lesley have seemingly made their own hot tub upstairs and are drinking in a bathtub and gossiping about dudes. Benoit is so sweet, but Clare is leaning more towards Christian because he’s hotter. Yet she’s blown Christian off tonight to hang out in a bathtub?? I mean, I’m not trying to get a yeast infection from that Jacuzzi either, but you could at least hang out with him somewhere dry.
Stassi takes Luke on an outdoor hot tub date. They like each other, they both almost died, it’s fine. Dean chooses Lesley, and they go tubing. Lesley isn’t sure Dean is ready for a real relationship, and it’s like GIRL did you even see last season of Paradise? This boy is a mess. Everyone makes out.
Back at the house, Benoit is on the verge of tears. Clare ignored him all day and he suspects she’s into other guys. He tries to talk to her and get a sign that their relationship can go somewhere, but…she’s not feeling it. He sobs because he’s falling in love with her–
It’s been two days, Benoit! Ralentir votre rouleau!* In his devastation, he decides to leave the house. Everyone is sad to see him go, and in his exit interview Benoit mentions that tomorrow is his birthday and this is not how he wanted to spend it. Poor Benoit! I hope you find a nice lady to appreciate your glasses and love of cooking.
After dumping Benoit, Josiah mentions to Clare that Christian is pissed that she missed their Jacuzzi appointment. Clare can’t fathom this, so she storms off to confront Christian. Christian maintains that he’s disappointed – they had plans (Jacuzzi plans!) and Clare blew him off. She does not accept that she could ever do anything wrong and storms away.
Another Rose Ceremony, another twist – according to his devilish wiles, Chris Harrison reinstates traditional Rose Ceremony rules and says the men will hand out roses to the girls. That means two women are headed home.
Clare is still furious at Christian. So furious she might not accept his rose and go home!
LOL OK CLARE. You’re not in that much of a hurry to get back to being the assistant manager at the Sacramento Ulta.
Ashley I and Kevin make out uncontrollably all night. Someone named Tiffany is upset because she also like Kevin, and I’m upset because she is wearing THE WORST merlot colored dress from like, Rosegal or one of those cheap quality wholesale fashion sites.
Roses go out like so:
- Luke gives one to Stassi
- Dean gives his to Lesley
- Josiah and Ally stay together
- Possible villain Jordan gives one to Bibiana, because they’re together now?
- Kevin to Ashley I, his future wife
- Ben Higgins to Yuki, because she’s trying her gosh darndest
- Boy Courtney to Lily
- Michael G?????? to Tiffany, I guess?
- Christian to Clare, who accepts with zero hesitation
That means two blondes, Jenny and Rebecca, are headed back to Sweden and Finland. Limo tears flow, and we are granted a few days respite before this nonsense is back on TV!
*slow your roll