Arie’s season crawled to an end with a FIVE HOUR finale spread over two nights. I watched it in a Holiday Inn Express on a stressful business trip, and it really amplified the abject misery […]
Category: Arie
Episode 10: Seeking Sister Wives
With the Winter Games being a much more enjoyable watch, I’ve neglected to cover the last few weeks of Arie’s Journey of Love®. Here’s what we missed: Bekah with the Short Hair went missing (turns […]
Episode 6: The City of Uuuuggghhhh
This week, Arie and his lady friends head to Paris! For whatever diabolical reason, the women are confined to U by Uniworld River Cruise. It’s unclear if they’re allowed to leave the boat, except for […]
Episode 5: The Big Luyendowski
I missed the first 10 minutes or so trying to open a bottle of wine with a difficult cork, so sorryboutsies. Let’s see, Maquel comes back and everyone is like “omg how was your grandpa’s […]
Episode 4: Doomsdate
Good news, everyone! The Bachelor mansion needs to be bleached, which means this week the contestants are all off to beautiful Lake Tahoe. Arie is already in Lake Tahoe, staying at…the Hard Rock Hotel??? I […]
Episode 3: Oh my GLOB
It’s only Week 3, and one of the Laurens says she’s “emotionally and physically drained”. Chris Harrison’s ears perk up at the sound of human suffering, so he apparates into the mansion to drop off […]
Episode 2: Vehicular Manslaughter
“Good morning!” Chris Harrison greets the 21 survivors of last night’s cocktail party. “It’s so great to see you all so happy, but it’s not going to last.” He drops the inaugural date card of […]
Episode 1: Off to the Races
In case you don’t remember all the way back to 2012 (and who can blame you, what with the toxic hellscape in which we all currently live!) Arie’s heart was broken when Emily dumped him […]
Start your engines…
Time is a flat circle, and we’re a few weeks out from another scintillating season of The Bachelor. I’m still salty that we’re stuck with Ricky Bobby Arie (Team Eric 5ever, y’all) but in the interest […]
BREAKING NEWS: MEET THE NEW BACHELOR
After weeks of speculation, the heavens have parted and the angels sang and Good Morning America revealed unto us the next Bachelor. That’s right, it’s HIM! Why it’s *checks internet* Arie Luyendyk Jr. from *checks […]