“Good morning!” Chris Harrison greets the 21 survivors of last night’s cocktail party. “It’s so great to see you all so happy, but it’s not going to last.” He drops the inaugural date card of […]
Episode 1: Off to the Races
In case you don’t remember all the way back to 2012 (and who can blame you, what with the toxic hellscape in which we all currently live!) Arie’s heart was broken when Emily dumped him […]
Start your engines…
Time is a flat circle, and we’re a few weeks out from another scintillating season of The Bachelor. I’m still salty that we’re stuck with Ricky Bobby Arie (Team Eric 5ever, y’all) but in the interest […]
BREAKING NEWS: MEET THE NEW BACHELOR
After weeks of speculation, the heavens have parted and the angels sang and Good Morning America revealed unto us the next Bachelor. That’s right, it’s HIM! Why it’s *checks internet* Arie Luyendyk Jr. from *checks […]
BIP Week 3: The Ballad of Scallop Fingers
This week’s episode starts out with a blindfolded Jack Stone trying to guess what the girls are feeding him. Alexis, the New Jerseyian Trickster Goddess she is, tries to feed him a dead crab. It’s […]
BIP Week 2: At Least there’s Guacamole
Another week, another four hours of problematic BIP to parse through. Although in fairness, I only watched three of them – I’ve had enough of Chris Harrison pretending that any of these conversations he’s mediating […]
BIP: Welcome Back to Garbage Island
Hello again, fellow trash boats. First of all, a sincere apology for this late, abbreviated recap of the first week’s episodes of Bachelor in Paradise. I did not realize that there was FOUR HOURS of this, […]
Episode 12: True Love Waits Too Damn Long
I know. I KNOW. The world is topsy turvy and it feels like election night all over again. How did we get here? What is happening? WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS? Before we dig into this three […]
Episode 11: The Men Talk About Nothing
Hey, did anyone else play Mario Party on the N64 as a kid? Remember when you were about 3/4 of the way through the game, Koopa Troopa showed up to do a recap that was […]
Episode 9: The Real Deal
We’re down to the final three guys, and that can only mean one thing. FANTASY. SUITES. Except Rachel decides to change things up on the guys by dropping in on their hotel room and informing […]