Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

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BIP: Welcome Back to Garbage Island

Hello again, fellow trash boats. First of all, a sincere apology for this late, abbreviated recap of the first week’s episodes of Bachelor in Paradise. I did not realize that there was FOUR HOURS of this, and did not watch all of it. I have a day job/life outside of your game, Chris Harrison!

And we can all agree that this season is pretty icky, right? The specter of sexual assault allegations hang over Paradise, yet the wacky antics and petty drama keep grinding on as usual. The show wants us to laugh at Robby’s denim speedo one minute and then sit down for a freshman orientation week consent workshop led by Chris Harrison the next. We’ve got Carly and Evan’s wedding, but also do you think race had anything to do with how DeMario was treated before the investigation concluded? It’s all an absolute mess, and BIP can’t figure out how to handle itself. It’s certainly not making a strong case for remaining on the air.

Oh, and Jorge is gone now. He’s started his own business called Jorge’s Tourges (it’s meant to rhyme with Jorge) and is passing bartending duties over to Wells. All of the contestants sob, and Alexis laments that she was going to  give her rose to Jorge. And really, that would have been the best move – all the dudes are FAR MORE into one another than they are the ladies.

get yourself someone who looks at you like iggy looks at dean

Anyhow, here’s who’s back:

  • Raven
  • Dean (nickname: Deanie Baby)
  • Ben Z, who talks about his dog like it’s his son
  • Diggy and his glasses
  • Kristina got highlights!
  • Derek (??????)
  • Santa Claus (?????????)
  • Jasmine
  • Amanda, again, sadly
  • DJ Vinsane (but not his hair)
  • Matt the Penguin
  • Iggy
  • Lacey (??????)
  • Jack Stone
  • Blonde Danielle
  • Taylor
  • Robby and his gravity defying hair
  • Alex, aka Skippy Shortshanks
  • Alexis, the one true queen of Paradise

Who’s together?

  • Taylor and Derek, neither of whom I remember, are together
  • Dean and Kristina got together during the hiatus
  • Matt and Jasmine went to a drag show where he got a drag makeover. He was a good sport about it!

Who’s the worst?

Iggy is thirsty for a rose and zeroes in on Lacey. They have a one conversation and he figures he’s set, but the universe intervenes when Lacey has to leave Paradise for her grandfather’s funeral. Lacey is crying, but all Iggy can think about is losing a rose. She has to ask him for a hug, since it did not occur to him to comfort her. HE SUCKS.

What’s Robby’s deal?

Robby is a social media influencer with extremely sculptural hair. He talks as though he’s a neural network that was programmed with only motivational sports phrases. He brought 30 different swimsuits and has, in Raven’s opinion, “too many abs”. (Raven is right).

Did anyone bring sunscreen?

No.

Is Jack Stone a serial killer?

Jack Stone: “I am not a serial killer.”

Is this show even worth watching?

I’m not sure it is!

 

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