Welcome back to Reality TV Ph.D, everyone. It seems like just yesterday we were watching Nick flounder his way towards love over the course of 600 cringe-worthy episodes. But there was one bright spot in the form of Rachel – a mature adult woman who rose above the drama of sexy bouncy castles and calling other women bitches to charm her way into our collective heart and become the next Bachelorette.
Rachel is an accomplished attorney who is serious about finding love, so presumably the suitors that were cast are equally driven and ready to settle down, right?
I’m sure some of the 31 men Chris Harrison introduced us to in his very awkward Facebook Live broadcast are fine enough dudes. And it’s refreshing to see a cast that isn’t all white guys with the same floppy haircut, like on Jojo’s season. But we have an entire season to get through the good boys, so now’s the time to clown on the seemingly terrible ones.
QUICK DUDE STATS
- Dudes who want to be the Rock: Alex, Hot Blake, Kenny
- Dudes really hate The Situation from Jersey Shore: Brady, Lucas
- Dudes who accidentally got boners during meetings: Fred, Iggy
- Dude with the best name: JACK STONE
- Number of dudes who wore too tight v-necks for their cast photos: 15
The biggest common thread all of the dudes seemed to share was their love of tight v-necks and ridiculously boring sounding jobs. I think the producers randomly pulled businesslike words out of a hat, because most of these guys have titles like “Senior Software Manager” or “Inventory Analyst”. THOSE MEAN NOTHING. However, we did have some more interesting occupations, like:
THIS FUCKING GUY, WHABOOM
This Fucking Guy listed his job as “Whaboom”. On the broadcast, CH described “whaboom” as a lifestyle, a verb, AND a noun. I’m already tired of typing it and whatever it is cannot possibly be as clever as This Fucking Guy thinks it is.
His entire profile is a real pile, despite the fact that he’s clearly taken several improv classes and fancies himself a skinnier Seth McFarland. To whit:
If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner …. Would be a very interesting convo
What does your ideal mate look like? Belle (Beauty and The Beast), Cinderella, Little Mermaid … and the best, Jessica Rabbit!
In addition to wanting to bang cartoon princesses, This Fucking Guy also has an ant farm.
JONATHAN, TICKLE MONSTER
What are you, 5 years old? Creepy.
BLAKE E, ASPIRING DRUMMER
Blake E’s (not to be confused with Hot Blake) entire bio is worth a mention. The Bachelor franchise is famous for coming up with euphemisms for unemployed, but “aspiring drummer” just comes off as kind of sad, like Blake E has a drum set at his mom’s house and practices really hard when he’s not working as a sales associate at Sprint. Plus, it will never top the greatest fake career – Alexis’ aspiring dolphin trainer.
Blake E also has a few…odd answers to his questions, such as:
If you could watch any movie right now, what would it be, and why? The new 50 Shades of Grey movie because I love taboo sexy stuff.
I hate it when my date…tells me about her cats.
I’m assuming Blake E does not have a computer or internet access if his baseline for “taboo sexy stuff” is the 50 Shades of Grey movie. And I’m sure your dates’ cats would hate you too, Blake E!
KENNY, PRO WRESTLER
Pro Wrestler is an excellent career choice, and I am desperately hoping that Kenny leans into it and gets out of the limo in a fully bedazzled pro wrestling getup. Plus, how great would it be if the annual sports date was pro wrestling and we got to watch these goofballs don crazy outfits and bodyslam each other to try and win Rachel’s affections?
Kenny’s other interests include being a great dad to his daughter and Edible Arrangements. Way to go, Kenny!
Jedediah Springfield is a doctor who LOVES scrambled eggs and wolves. He has a wolf tattoo, which I’m assuming looks like this:
Jebediah Springfield isn’t done talking about wolves:
Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? Not currently. All former dogs were over ½ wolf.
I’m no scientist, but I have spent some time with labradoodles and am really not seeing much wolf there. Whatever embiggens your soul, man.
There’s not much to say about these guys except they should just go home immediately (they won’t, since their bro drama will inevitably fuel the first third of the season). Still, they SUCK.
If you recall, Dean already met Rachel on last season’s After the Final Rose. He introduced himself and told her “once I go black I never go back!” Busting out tired racial stereotypes the first time you meet someone is a realllllll bad look, bro. Also, something about this answer makes me think Dean is not here for the right reasons:
What does being married mean to you? I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs.
The greatest gift Brady ever received was a pair of Lululemon sweatpants and his biggest pet peeve is when Uber drivers don’t speak English.
Adam likes Jennifer Lawrence because she is “every girl’s goal”. Perhaps he meant that every girl aspires to be at the top of her career field, globally recognized, and wealthier than him. Or he meant that girls want to be as hot as JLaw. Excuse you, Adam – some of us are working on an entire Chipotle burrito and that’s an equally noble goal.
The opposite of the trash boats, these guys seem like decent picks for Rachel. I’ve been wrong before though, so they might end up being total scumbags.
Hot Blake is a former Marine who loves Chipotle, his mom, and The Rock. He is also much more attractive than aspiring drummer Blake.
Eric and Rachel were really cute together in the ten seconds they met on After the Final Rose. We’ll see if that connection lasts during the whole season.
Bryan comes off well on paper, even though he can’t count.
What are your three best attributes? Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart
But, he admires Bill Gates’ charity work and likes sports, which are things Rachel is into! Chris Harrison described him as “ancient” at 37 years old, but perhaps he’s aged more like a fine wine.
ONE LAST THING
Lee strongly believes “the bigger the hair, the closer to God”:
Fred’s grandpa sweater in a world of tight v-necks is a bold choice:
And to conclude, some poetry from Bryce.
How would you describe yourself as a lover? A fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning.