Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

Episode 1: Love is Dolphinately in the Air

We start with the usual montage, which is fine if you missed because you were making a snack (you’ll need it, this premiere is TWO. HOURS. LONG). Nick works out shirtless! The women gaze introspectively at the ocean, cityscapes, and ducks! Men talk! It’s boring!

GOOD LIMO EXITS:

Rachel rolls up looking stunning in a red dress. Like her role model Michelle Obama, Rachel is elegant, clever, and has incredible toned arms. Rachel and Michelle also have similar reactions to being at miserable parties:

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Brunette Danielle gets out of the limo in a low cut lace dress, which renders Nick mostly speechless. When in doubt, CLEAVAGE.

Blonde Danielle shows up with what I thought was homemade moonshine, but was actually homemade maple syrup. Her and Nick figure out they both like french toast. Cute?

AWKWARD LIMO EXITS:

Taylor introduces herself and informs Nick that her friends think he’s “a total piece of shit”. This goes about as well as you’d expect.

Jaimi tells Nick she’s got balls, then digs in her own nose for a bit to show him her septum piercing. If you’re in a situation where you need to shake hands/hug/high five a person, you should leave your fingers out of your nostrils.

Brittany pretends to give Nick a prostate exam, under the incorrect assumption that the way to a man’s heart is up his butt instead of through his stomach.

OH GOD WHY LIMO EXITS:

Jasmine G exhumes Neil Lane from his grave and picks out her engagement ring. This is the first limo exit I can think of that required a grave robbery, but for all that effort Nick is not impressed.

By far, the worst intro (possibly in history), is Josephine showing up with A ROOM TEMPERATURE HOT DOG STORED IN A BOOK. THAT THEY EAT. JOSEPHINE. YOU ARE A NURSE. YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE PERILS OF FOOD BORNE ILLNESS. Initially I liked Josephine because she meowed at her cat during her intro montage (#relatable), but I’m still dry-heaving over this and can’t forgive it.

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Then Alexis shows up in a Left Shark costume, which she claims is a dolphin. Girl, that meme is as old as Nick.

Elizabeth Liz shows up and reveals that her and Nick spent a ~steamy~ night together after Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She’s not 100% sure if Nick will remember her. Nick sees her get out of the limo and is like:

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COCKTAIL PARTY TIME

Don’t you hate it when you show up to a party and everyone else is wearing the same bright red evening gown? Ugh! The girls drown their aggravations in white wine.

Nick and Vanessa chat and seem to have decent chemistry. Until Corinne, a 24-year-old with a nanny (for herself, not a child), interrupts them and gifts Nick a Scrooge McDuck bag of tokens with little messages on them. He’s too slow in cashing the “sloppy make out” token, so Corinne grabs his face and gives him the first smooch of the season. It’s uncomfortable to watch!

Chris Harrison pops in to drop the First Impression Rose on the table and make the ladies sweat. Jasmine G returns from burying Neil Lane and sobs about her lack of one-on-one time. Alexis, vodka tonics in each fin, takes a dip in the pool while wearing her costume. She’s swimming her way into Paradise, as far as I’m concerned.

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Nick gives the First Impression Rose to Rachel. Good choice!

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Elizabeth Liz grabs Nick and asks if he remembers her. He gets weirdly cagey with her, questioning why she’s here. After all, she refused his number when he offered it after they boned at the wedding! And if she really wanted to get to know him, she could have gotten his number from Jade! Nick’s not sure if Elizabeth Liz is here for the right reasons.

[RECORD SCRATCH]

Nick. Dude. Seriously. Remember when you showed up on Kaitlyn’s season because you “just had to see if there was something there”? Even though you could have easily met her in real life any time before she was the Bachelorette? THIS IS THE SAME THING. YOU DID THE SAME THING. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Under the new abs and beard, Nick is still the same old jerkwad.

ROSE CEREMONY

Nick gives roses to Vanessa, Brunette Danielle, Christen, Astrid, Corinne, regular Elizabeth, Jasmine G, Raven, Kristina, Blonde Danielle, Sarah, Hot Dog Girl, Lacey, Taylor, Left Shark, Hailey, Whitney, Dominique, Jamie, Brittany, and Elizabeth Liz.

Out: Olivia, Angela, Lauren, Ida Marie, Brianna, the other Jasmine, Susannah. Also the sun. The sun is out now because they’ve been here for like 12 hours.

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Until next week!

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