Like Neil Lane, Reality TV Ph.D has once again risen from the grave to recap Colton’s quest for love. Give a belated Nobel Prize to whatever engineering genius figured out how to make DVR a thing, because this episode was THREE FORKING HOURS LONG and I have zero minutes for these Instagram models and their thirst for more laxative tea $$sponcon$$.
I often joke that the Bachelor is my sports, but I would rather watch actual sports than whatever stupidity Chris Harrison cobbled together here. Unless I am at one of these parties and eating some cheese and wine I didn’t pay for, I DO NOT CARE.
At one point the camera cut to Krystal and Goose in a hot tub interviewing people with large microphones, which seems like great $$sponcon$$ for getting electrocuted.
Anyway, here’s what went down on the 45 ACTUAL MINUTES of Colton’s Bachelor debut.
MEET THE WIVES
Two hundred women are trying to marry Colton, a man who’s only defining personality traits are a strong jawline and liking dogs. Oh! And he hasn’t had sex with anyone, in case you forgot. Colton is a virgin. Even though he’s a man! Who played FOOTBALL!
The womens’ career paths this season include two Miss USA contestants, a sloth, and Never Been Kissed. Being 23, everyone can enjoy their fake jobs because they’re all still on their parents’ health insurance.
Speaking of parents, Demi’s mom is getting out of jail just in time for a potential hometown date with Colton! Chris Harrison’s pointed devil ears are positively BURNING over this seed of potential drama.
The limo entrances are unremarkable for the most part. A whole lot of women work the virginity angle with Colton, either joking about it or reassuring him that it’s A-OK in their books! (Hypothetical. Very few of these contestants own books).
Cassie rolls up with a box full of butterflies. DID YOU NOT LEARN FROM ASIA O’HARA??? Luckily Cassie’s butterflies are fake, so it’s much less traumatic when they flop lifelessly out of the box and all over Colton’s feet.
HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS
Inside the mansion (which is looking great for nearly burning down in the wildfires) the women compliment each others’ sequined gowns and drink champagne. Everyone wishes their dog was in the mansion with them, and honestly SAME.
One of the women came dressed in a sloth costume, and while the bit got stale REAL quick, I’m not mad at this:
So really, it seems like the night is off to a very civil start and everyone is making friends, but HERE COMES CATHERINE.
Catherine has studied reality TV villains before and is giving strong Ashley from Rock of Love Bus vibes (blonde, evil, no vocal inflection). She brings her dog and promptly gifts it to Colton. Responsibility is a TERRIBLE gift, Catherine! How can you trust your beloved dog to a hot stranger??
Fun fact: Catherine’s dog is 70 in dog years. Catherine is 26 in Florida Years, which is 47 in regular years.
The mood changes once Catherine makes an appearance, brazenly tottering around in her spike heels and crotch-length red dress to steal Colton away from the other contestants. The women are floored, as if this same scenario hasn’t happened on any other season of this show. Onyeka takes matters into her own hands and rustles up a snorkel and whistle. She strides up to Catherine and Colton, blows the whistle, and yells “I’VE COME TO RESCUE YOU, I HEARD YOU WERE DROWNING IN BITCHES!”
ONYEKA IS MY HERO.
Later on, Onyeka pulls Catherine aside and explains that while the whistle stunt was silly, it served the greater purpose of showing Catherine the error of her desperate, Colton-snatching ways. Onyeka’s not here to argue or start drama, she’s here to prevent it as a public service.
“I’m like the least argumentative person ever,” Catherine deadpans.
Meanwhile, Chris Harrison emerges from his underground lair to drop the First Impression Rose on the coffee table. Catherine steals Colton away for a record fourth time and the screeching from the rest of the girls intensifies.
Desperation mounts and the girlfriends pull out all the gimmicky stops to impress Colton, including dancing to a string quartet, mounting him like a horse, and fishing a dead salmon out of the pool with a net. Classic womanly wiles! However, Hannah ensorcels Colton with her sparkly dress and snags the First Impression Rose.
Chris Harrison rises from his lair to summon everyone to the Rose Ceremony. Several girls have traded champagne flutes for coffee mugs because it is roughly 8:30 am.
Colton hands out roses to Misses Alabama and North Carolina, Katie, Alex B, Onyeka, Caitlin, Annie, Kirpa, Heather, Elyse, Tayshia, Courtney, Cassie, Demi, Nina, Erika, Sydney, Bri, Angelique, Tracy, Nicole, and in a twist that surprises no one, Catherine.
About a dozen other girls go home, including the sloth. The sea giveth, the sea taketh away.
Next week: More tired virgin jokes!