Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

wugggboom

Episode 1: Ughhhhboom

Chris Harrison strolls out of the Bachelor mansion sporting a fresh dye job and several needles’ worth of Botox in his forehead. Welcome back, America. It’s time for another season of this nonsense.

These first episodes follow a standard format – reintroduce the Bachelorette, dump several limos of protein-huffing dudes on her driveway, enjoy a liquor-soaked evening of awkward conversations, and send a handful of men back home by dawn. Despite that time tested formula (I mean, it’s been this way for 15 YEARS), the guys were in for a lot of surprises.

NOTABLE MEN

Some of our eligible bachelors get highlighted. No matter where they’re from or what they do for a living, they all enjoy working out shirtless. A few guys stand out as ones to watch:

Josiah – Josiah overcame the tragedy of his brother’s suicide and became a successful prosecutor. He’s extremely confident that Rachel is going to be his wife, which he repeats so often that it gets kind of uncomfortable! Josiah is the first to grab Rachel at the cocktail party, and the rest of the dudes are SHOCKED at his power play (again, have they never watched the show?)

Pretty Boy Pitbull King Kenny – he has a very complicated pro wrestling name, but Kenny is a simple guy at heart. He just loves being a dad! Kenny also busts out some dance moves when he meets Rachel, and it’s pretty cute.

TEAM KENNY

Blake E – Blake E was listed as an “aspiring drummer” in his bio, but claims to be a personal trainer in his highlight reel. SURE, BLAKE E. He also brings up that he’s an extremely sexual person who thinks about sex a lot and has DEFINITELY had it with a lot of ladies and all the ladies told him he had a REALLY GOOD penis because he is a sex expert. OK?? A sexpert. He definitely didn’t just lose his virginity or anything.

sure blake e

Copper – Did you know Rachel has a dog? His name is Copper and HE IS A VERY GOOD BOY INDEED.

A GOOD DOGGO

Rachel gets to spend some time with her squad from Nick’s season before the guys descend on the mansion. The real prize of being on Nick’s season was making friends, because all of the girls seem genuinely happy for Rachel. Whitney finally swam back from the Bahamas and has a word of warning for Rachel – a friend of a friend told her to watch out for DeMario! Alexis chugs champagne and tells Rachel to give anyone wearing a costume a chance. But who could ever top Alexis in her shark suit? Bring it back for Paradise, squirrel friend!

HERE COME THE BROS

The men bust out of the limos, introduce themselves, and compliment Rachel on how pretty/stunning/sexy she looks. I commend Rachel for her patience talking to each one, because there are approximately 600 men she has to meet tonight. And unfortunately, some of them are nah so good!

PROBABLE SOCIOPATHS

Jonathan, the self-proclaimed “tickle monster”, tells Rachel to hold out her hands and close her eyes. Then he tickles her. Hey, Jonathan? DO NOT DO THIS EVER AGAIN.

NO NO NO

Adam shows up with a frightening doll he calls “Adam Jr.” I am deeply in the weeds with this bit. Is Adam a ventriloquist? Where did he get this large doll? Why does it speak French? I’m so lost.

I don’t get it

DEFINITE SOCIOPATH

Lucas, AKA This Fucking Guy, AKA Whaboom, introduces himself and his lopsided testicles to Rachel. He then convulses and screams “WHABOOM!”, because everything he learned about impressing women was from watching old episodes of Emeril? I don’t know. I hate him and he’s awful.

RUN RACHEL

Inside the house, the guys have some deep conversations about Rachel. They conclude that she’s:

  1. Beautiful
  2. Smart
  3. Good enough to meet a mom AND a grandma

However, the dudes aren’t as impressed with one another. Someone gripes that they spent $2,000 on a suit while some other guy rolled up in a penguin costume.

they mate for life, you know

But the fun and games come to a grinding halt when Chris Harrison slides in and drops the coveted First Impression Rose on the table.

DUDE FEUD 1: BLAKE E VS. THIS FUCKING GUY

As Rachel spends time with each of the guys, Blake E tires of Lucas whabooming everywhere (this is the only time that I’ll be in agreement with Blake E on anything). Blake E is so seriously upset, he invokes the ultimate Bachelor Burn – that Lucas is NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

Blake sits Lucas down and rips into him – his stupid behavior is disrespectful to Rachel, and if he wasn’t here to be on TV, how come he’s wearing a shirt with his hashtag on it?

Lucas is too drunk to formulate a response beyond “Good point, buddy”.

FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE

As the night grinds on, the shadow of the First Impression Rose lengthens and drives the men closer to madness. Or maybe they’re just tired, they’ve been here for ten hours and are running on whiskey sours and cold cuts.

Josiah pulled his wife Rachel away from the group first, so he’s convinced the rose is his. He even pops it on his jacket. Outside, Bryan pulls Rachel aside. Bryan nailed his introduction by speaking Spanish and being hot.

“I’m old and not here to screw around,” he tells her. “I literally watched a man hump a woman in a bouncy castle last season, so that’s so refreshing,” Rachel says. Old Bryan gets the First Impression Rose.

sealed with a tongue heavy kiss

ROSE CEREMONY

“Do you know who you’re sending home tonight?” Chris Harrison asks. Bruh, the sun is shining through these windows, it is no longer tonight. Even so, Rachel is decisive and knows exactly who she wants to keep around.

Roses go to Peter, Will, Jack Stone, Jamey (who?), Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Tickle Monster (ugh), Bryce, Alex, Kenny, Dean, Penguin, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam (sans doll), Blake E, and…Lucas. The dudes CANNOT EVEN believe Whaboom stays another week.

Don’t act so surprised, the weirdo everyone hates ALWAYS gets a rose

Sadly, Grant, Michael, Rob Cruise, Jebediah Springfield, Mohit, Kyle, Milton, and Hot Blake are riding off into the sunset. Er…sunrise.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

  • How did Blake E stay and Hot Blake get cut? Surprising lapse in judgement from Rachel.
  • Milton breaks down in tears after he’s eliminated because he bought a lot of new outfits for the show and the world will never see them. Poor Milton!
  • Further evidence the guys have never seen this show: Lee shows up with a guitar and everyone is really surprised to have a country musician in the house. THERE’S ALWAYS A GUITAR GUY, GUYS.

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