If you’ll recall, last week’s episode ended with Raven telling Nick that she was in love with him and had never climaxed during sex. After nervously adjusting his turtleneck, Nick decided to roll with it and took Raven to Finland’s finest Fantasy Yurt. But did they do the deed? Was Raven satisfied?
If this montage of her frolicking around Finland is any indication, sure, I guess!
You know the producers wanted to set this to Wham! but couldn’t get the rights to “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”.
Rachel meets Nick in the woods for a relaxing afternoon of cross country skiing. Turns out they’re both pretty terrible at cross country skiing, so they wisely decide to hang out with some reindeer instead.
Knowing that Rachel and Nick don’t end up together, this date is just awkward to watch. And not just because Nick keeps saying cornball stuff like “Look! St. Nick in a sleigh!” as they take a frigid looking sleigh ride across the tundra.
It only gets worse as they head to Fantasy Yurt #2 (which is really more like a cabin), and cuddle up for a fireside chat. Nick is wearing an eggplant colored sweater, and he is THIRSTY for some validation from Rachel that she’s in love with him. Rachel is having a really hard time saying it to Nick though. It’s not that he doesn’t have the qualities she’s looking for – he makes her laugh and is willing to be open with her emotionally, which is rare.
Nick’s response: “I might be white, but I’m still a minority,”
WILLING TO BET STATEMENTS LIKE THAT* ARE WHY SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TELL YOU SHE LOVES YOU, DUDE.
*and the part where you’ve only know each other for 8 weeks and you have 2 other girlfriends.
After much prodding from Nick, Rachel admits that she’s maybe kinda sorta a little bit falling in love with him. With that admission, they kiss and Nick bestows the second Fantasy Yurt card on Rachel. The text is the same – and really, after 3 times on this show Nick probably knows it by heart – but Rachel manages to pronounce the name of the town they’re staying in with perfect Finnish inflection.
Even though she’s way too good for this clown, they go upstairs and make out on the hotel bed without taking off their shoes. The night ends with an exterior shot of the cabin as a single light clicks off and lots of squishy mouth noises. PUKE.
The next morning, Nick tells Rachel he needs to pack up and go bone Vanessa get going. Vanessa tromps over the snow to meet him, and she does NOT look happy. Side note: Why do all of these women wear the same hat in different colors?
Vanessa is still reeling from the realization that Nick asked everyone’s dad to marry their daughters, which made her relationship with Nick feel cheap. She wants to talk to him about it, but first they take a dip in a half frozen hole in the tundra. They alternate between the ice bath and the sauna, and I’m convinced their matching swimsuits are lined in titanium, because no one gets visible nips in the icy water.
Maybe it’s because they have hypothermia, but their strange conversation about Vanessa having a traditional family vs. Nick’s untraditional life (really?) vs. how similar they are but also so different (WHAT) was confusing. It also rambles on forever and I tuned most of it out. Sorry not sorry.
Later on, Vanessa and Nick defrost and head to Fantasy Yurt #3 (which is a legit yurt this time). Vanessa asks Nick if he’d consider moving to her hometown. He’s not thrilled about the idea, because he’s “proud to be an American”.
NICK. ARE YOU SERIOUS. I’m assuming this was filmed before the election. If not, he’s really passing up a golden opportunity to maybe ride the next four years out. He could probably get insurance in Canada! I highly doubt he can get insurance here living the life of a nomadic reality TV personality/Instagram detox tea shiller!
There’s some weird conversation about whether they should get fake engaged and Vanessa reiterates to Nick that she loves him, and he returns the favor with another Fantasy Yurt card. Cue the makeout session (but don’t bother taking off your shoes???)
THE LEAST SURPRISING ROSE CEREMONY EVER
Rachel goes home. She’s the next Bachelorette, for crying out loud! If she ended up in the final two, the finale would already be spoiled.
Can’t wait for her season (and hopefully her amazing penguin onesie) to return this May.