THE MORNING AFTER
The sun rises over the Bachelor mansion as the ladies enjoy their breakfast mimosas in their pajamas and full faces of makeup.
“I just can’t stop thinking of Nick! Nick Nick Nick!” one of them remarks. (I recognize none of them from episode one.) This isn’t a sign of devotion, it’s a sign that all of these women’s phones have been confiscated. In a world without cat videos and Wikipedia, I’d maybe think about Nick too.
Luckily Chris Harrison shows up to deliver the first of two date cards. Alexis, Sarah, Regular Elizabeth, Jasmine G, Lacey, Hailey, Vanessa, Raven, Taylor, Brunette Danielle, Brittany, and Corrine get the group date. The clue on the card reads “Always a bridesmaid…”
Corrine tells us she’s never been a bridesmaid, but given her repulsive personality is anyone really surprised she has no friends?
(Side note about Corrine: When I read her initial profile, she seemed kind of cool. She liked Chicago! She ran an online business, which I assumed meant Etsy store full of printables for sorority rush weeks! I TAKE IT ALL BACK. She’s this season’s Chad, minus the deli meat addiction.)
AMERICA’S NEXT TOP SISTER WIVES
The girls drive to another mansion and meet Nick and the photographer, who kicks off this episode’s trend of floral print rompers:
The girls each dress up as brides and take themed wedding photos with Nick. The local Goodwill was short on bridal gowns, so a few of the girls are relegated to being bridesmaids. Nick makes out with literally everyone, so why they didn’t just make this a sister wives themed date I’ll never know.
Alexis draws the short straw and gets the “Shotgun Wedding” theme. Her fake baby bump doesn’t keep her from her true love, vodka. She might not get to “be hot with guns and stuff” this time around, but she’s still a champion and is guaranteed to be solid gold on Bachelor in Paradise.
LET’S TAKE A MINUTE TO APPRECIATE THE MVP, ALEXIS:
Corinne gets “Swimsuit Wedding” (v hot on Pinterest right now) and is thrilled to show off how hot she is. Too bad Brittany steals her thunder in her “Adam and Eve Wedding” costume, which is a bikini bottom covered in leaves. Corrine is indignant that Brittany gets to wear the “topless outfit” and plots her next move.
Speaking of the Adam and Eve themed wedding, Nick comes out sporting a leaf speedo and his Wisconsin-white thighs.
VOMIT PUKE UGH
Corrine and Nick jump into the pool for their wedding photos and she promptly removes her bikini top. She commands Nick to grab her boobs Janet Jackson style, which he hesitantly does! Corrine later reflects on this power move, positive that “Dad would be proud.” Wait, have we already met Corrine’s dad?
DOUBLE VOMIT PUKE UGH
Nick takes the girls to a fancy patio furniture store for the evening portion of the date. Corrine, fueled by liquid courage chardonnay, interrupts all of the girls to get more tongue time with Nick. But when Taylor re-interrupts Corrine to talk to Nick, she’s furious. Huh. Treating people like shit but getting offended when they do the same to you? Winning the rose despite being deeply terrible? Corrine really is a Trump!
THE ONE ON ONE
The next day the girls are having their morning glass of champagne. Elizabeth Liz tries to look casual as she makes breakfast, even though her latest murder victim is lying in the kitchen behind her:
Blonde Danielle is given the one-on-one rose and Nick sweeps her away in a helicopter that lands on a yacht. That sentence is exciting, but this date is BORING. Blonde Danielle is #hairgoals and seems very nice, but her conversation with Nick is less than scintillating. She reveals that she was engaged to an addict who overdosed, and Nick “thanks her for sharing”. He does his best to be nice to Blonde Danielle, but his head is still on Corinne’s boobs.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth Liz arbitrarily decides that Christen would be a good person to tell about her past with Nick. Elizabeth Liz has already told us that she met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, slept with him, and didn’t give him her number after about 435,684,976 times. Over a six hour period with many hair/athleisure wear changes, Elizabeth Liz tells the saga to Christen AND SHE IS SHOCKED. Christen swears to Elizabeth Liz that she’ll never tell anyone, but COME ON:
LIFE IMITATES ART
The next group date card goes to Astrid, Jaimi, Christen, Elizabeth Liz, Josephine, and Kristina. They tour the Museum of Breakups, which is more like a loft full of junk. Nick contributed the engagement ring he picked for Kaitlyn to the museum, which is a bold move considering Neil Lane’s crypt has recently been disturbed and he’s 100000% more likely to haunt Nick now.
Nick and the girls participate in some kind of performance art piece where they improv breakups. It’s deeply confusing and stupid! Josephine pulls a page out of the Passions notebook and slaps Nick.
Elizabeth Liz decides that a performance art sketch is the PERFECT time to confront Nick about their past, so she whips out her diary and lays it all out. Most of the girls don’t follow, but Christen CANNOT EVEN:
Later that evening, the group goes any empty club clerb. Nick is starting to sweat since Elizabeth Liz called him out – if the other girls catch on that he already slept with her, they might think he’s ~not here for the right reasons a total asshole~! He does some recon and doesn’t learn much from the girls (aside from Jaimi dating a girl before) until he talks to Christen. In yet another shocking twist, it turns out that Christen is really bad at keeping secrets and tells Nick all of the details Elizabeth Liz shared with her during their six hour/many hairstyles conversation.
Afraid of being put on blast for being the total slime ball that he is, Nick confronts Elizabeth Liz in the abandoned clerb. While I still think he’s wrong to be so hard on her for coming on his season when they already had a past (since Nick did the same with Kaitlyn), her answers make zero sense. She’s not here just to be on TV, she really wanted to explore their future! And she didn’t reach out to him because he should have fought harder for her! She also hates the telephone!
Nick sends her home because it’s entirely too much effort. He realizes he has to be honest with the rest of the women about sleeping with Elizabeth Liz, and we get a big ol’ to be continued.