Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

Episode 3: Backstreet’s Gotta Get Paid

Contrary to the mascara-tear streaked previews for this episode, the girls take the news of Nick and Elizabeth Liz’s prior fling in stride. It’s like they weren’t that surprised that a nearly 40 year old man has had sex with multiple women throughout his life!

THE COCKTAIL PARTY

Tensions run high as everyone changes into the most expensive outfit they ever bought from the Forever 21 club section. Corinne has a special outfit planned for tonight too. It’s every guy’s fantasy – Sexy Inspector Gadget.

inspector gadget
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She grabs Nick and drags him over to an oversized pillow on the lawn, where she ups the sex factor by squirting Reddi Whip into Nick’s face and eating it out of his mouth like a horny baby bird.

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Steam pours out of Nick’s ears as his brain works overtime to process this situation. On one hand, he knows there’s consequences when you get too sexy too soon on the Bachelor/ette (upsetting the other contestants, public scrutiny, being stuck in Ireland forever). On the other, less evolved hand, GIRL HOT. NICK LIKE HOT GIRL.

Ultimately, Nick powers down Sexy Inspector Gadget and tells Corinne to take it easy. She leaves the party sobs over Nick until she falls asleep.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Even when she’s not in the room, everyone’s talking about Corinne. It dawns on everyone that she’s decided to sleep through the rose ceremony, which everyone handles really well. Just kidding! The girls hate her now more than ever.

Nick hands out roses to Astrid, Taylor, Whitney (???), Kristina, Brunette Danielle, Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimi, Dominique, Alexis, Brittany, Josephine, Christen, and Jasmine G. That means Hailey (who?), Regular Elizabeth (who??), and Lacey (has she been here the whole time?) are heading home.

BACKSTREET’S GOTTA GET PAID

The next day, Chris Harrison rolls out of bed in his flannel pajamas and delivers a date card. He promises the girls that the dates this week will be mind blowing.

And he’s not lying! In burst the Backstreet Boys! The long years ravaged their once youthful faces and bodies, but all of the girls ARE SUCH HUGE FANS. Hey, let’s do some quick math here:

  • Year most of the girls were born in: 1992
  • Year the Backstreet Boys blew up: 1997
  • Average age of the girls when BSB was popular: 5

I call BS on that. No 5 year old had this awesome poster on their wall, like I did:

BSB

The Boys hint that the girls will be taking part in their show. Amid the ecstatic screeching, this wonderful exchange takes place:

Corinne: Are you a dancer?

Jasmine [a professional dancer]: Girl where you been? Sleeping?

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The girls pile into a limo and arrive at a studio, where the Backstreet Boys are running through some dance routines. One of the Boys tells the girls that they’ll be backup dancers at the performance that night, and it’s a BIG DEAL. They will be dancing in front of 500 PEOPLE. (That seems…small.)

Nick and the girls prance with the Backstreet Boys for a bit. Jasmine is predictably great (after all, this is her job), but Brunette Danielle holds her own. Corinne isn’t good at “planned dancing”:

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The concert is a dry run for the Backstreet Boyses Vegas residency, and if their vocals are any indication, they need the practice! The girls dance their hearts out, but only one can be granted a serenade with Nick, and after some deliberation the Boys hand down their verdict: Brunette Danielle.

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We’ve had some mortifying moments this season, but watching Brunette Danielle and Nick slow dance, stiff-armed-middle-school style, while the Backstreet Boys belt one of their oldies acapella takes the cake. Corinne describes it as her “worst nightmare”, and I hate to say it, but I agree with her.

DATE NIGHT

Post concert, Nick and the girls chill in a mostly empty hotel. Corinne jumps on him like a hyena and drags his carcass to a secluded sofa so they can talk. Nick asks her if she’s apologized to the other girls for snoozing through the rose ceremony. She responds that she hasn’t, because the other girls “didn’t really notice”.

LOLOLOLOLOL that is the only thing the girls have been talking about the entire day.

Corinne makes out with Nick again. She stumbled with dancing, trench coats and whipped cream, but her confidence resurges and she declares she’s “Made Corinne Great Again”. UUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuggggggggghhhhh.

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There’s not much substantial in this night date in terms of Nick’s developing relationships with his future wives. However, we get some significant insight into Corrine’s relationship with her nanny, Raquel. In case you were wondering what a nanny’s role to a 24 year old looks like:

  1. Makes her bed in the morning
  2. Prepares her favorite foods, such as cucumbers, lemon salad, and cheese pasta
  3. Washes her club wear from Forever 21
  4. Wait sorry but what is cheese pasta? Is it mac and cheese? Is it plain pasta with cheese sprinkled on it??

The more you know!

DATES IN SPACE

At some point the solo date card arrived at the house and was bestowed on Vanessa. Nick takes her on a giant jet that simulates zero gravity. They get to be astronauts* for a day**!

*not really

**a couple of hours

Honestly, this date seemed like a lot of fun, until the Gs (or lack thereof) catch up with Vanessa and make her violently ill. She pukes a whole bunch and is understandably embarrassed. Nick is a good sport and comforts her. It’s almost kind of sweet, until he kisses her full on the mouth and assures her that despite the airsickness, she still tastes fine.

NOW I AM PUKING UGH THIS IS THE SECOND GROSSEST PUKE RELATED MOMENT I’VE EVER SEEN ON TRASH TV***

Later that evening, Vanessa and Nick hopefully both brush their teeth and go out for fake dinner (does anyone ever eat on this show?) Their connection is so strong that Nick is moved to tears, and Vanessa kisses him to shut down the awkwardness.

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THE NICKATHALON

The next group date is the classic sportsball date. Several Olympic athletes show up to get a paycheck coach the girls in track and field events so they can compete for some hot tub time with Nick. Astrid realizes she should have worn an actual sports bra instead of a fashion sports bra and nearly knocks her own front teeth out running through the warm ups. Alexis channels her inner Flipper and clears the high jump, surprising everyone with her athletic skill. During the final dash, Rachel has her eyes on the prize and outruns everyone to grab a large fake engagement ring. However, she knocks it over and it shatters. Astrid grabs the shrapnel and dives into the victory hot tub with Nick, not even bothering to change into a swimsuit.

Later in the night, Nick takes the girls to what appears to be a Restoration Hardware after hours. They sit on fancy couches and down pinot grigio. Dominique is upset because Nick has hardly given her any attention. Rachel reassures her that she’s doing fine and is in her own head. That’s not good enough for Dominique, who uses her time with Nick to tell him that he’s been unfair to her by not noticing her enough. Nick can tell she’s upset but can’t understand why she’s mad at him, so he does what his old buddy Ben Higgins would do and sends Dominique home right there at Restoration Hardware.

Dominique, you deserve better than Nick. Get yourself a Chipotle burrito and rewatch Titanic a few times.

Rachel gets the group date rose and the store manager comes and kicks everyone out.

“THE WORST POOL PARTY I’VE EVER BEEN TO”

Chris Harrison pops in the next morning to inform the girls that instead of a cocktail party, they’re going to have a POOL PARTY! And it starts in one hour! The girls rush off to put on full faces of makeup and swimsuits that won’t actually get wet.

Yet again we see Corinne, scheming about ways to seduce Nick. She’s trying to get engaged to him, you see, and the best way to do that is…by renting a bouncy castle to have sex in?

Blonde Danielle tells us that no one is allowed to leave the Bachelor Prison Mansion and that the girls are feeling a little “pent up”. Which is code for man-starved, because when Nick arrives he’s rushed by 10 girls who tear off his henley and immediately begin rubbing him down in sunscreen and kissing his scraggly beard.

Corinne lures Nick into her bouncy love castle and they hop around in their swimsuits until she tackles him and they start making out. She straddles him and tells him she’s “so comfortable right now”. Nick, older and wiser, is aware of the likelihood of contracting head lice from a children’s bouncy castle. Then again, GIRL HOT. NICK LIKE HOT GIRL.

The other women stare down at the bouncy castle and try to deflate it with their thoughts. I don’t understand why nobody decides to crash the bouncy castle party, unless they are all afraid of head lice too.

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When Nick finally pries Corinne off of him, Raven pulls him aside and tells him about Corinne’s nanny and her inability to wash spoons. Raven has no chance of winning, so Nick doesn’t really care. But when Vanessa pulls him aside, SHIT GETS REAL.

Vanessa’s pissed. How does Nick go from tenderly holding back her hair as she vomits in zero gravity to straddling someone half his age in a bouncy castle the next day? Nick tries to play it off like it’s no big deal, and Vanessa shuts that down. “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions.”

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And with that, we’ve got another cliffhanger for next week.

**(second only to the best reality dating show puke moment, in which Marcia on Rock of Love Bus drank an entire bottle of tequila, ate a bag of Doritos, vomited up all of the Doritos, and then made out with Bret Michaels.)

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