Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

Episode 4: Fast Times in Milwaukee

We pick up where our last episode left off – Vanessa just watched Nick and Corinne dry hump in a bouncy castle, and she is NOT. HAVING. IT.

Nick gets where Vanessa is coming from – he knows the unique pain of watching the object of your affection date 25 other people at the same time. He assures Vanessa that his attraction to her is real, and no amount of puke or bimbos in bouncy castles will change that.

However, Nick’s not totally willing to abandon the part about the bimbos in bouncy castles, so he implores Vanessa to “be patient” with him. She hangs on to her rose for now.

Meanwhile, all that bouncing has tired Corinne out and she’s retreated to her bunk to take a nap. Taylor and Sarah decide that now would be a perfect time to ambush Corinne about her insufferable behavior.

Taylor tells Corinne that the other girls find her behavior privileged and entitled. Corinne (who has a literal maidservant) says that she’s “not privileged in any way, shape, or form.” and is also like:

mean girls
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THE ROSE CEREMONY

Tonight’s rose ceremony is surprisingly efficient. Off camera, the girls ARE SO SURE that Corinne will get sent home, but that’s about as likely as any of them actually getting married to Nick at the end of this show.

Raven gets a rose and wears a very impressive Renaissance faire costume:

raven renn faire

The next roses go to Brunette and Blonde Danielle, Taylor, Jaimi, Astrid, Sarah, Kristina, Vanessa, Rachel, Jasmine, Josephine, Alexis, Whitney (who??) …and Corinne. GASP!

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Christen knew in her heart her time was up and didn’t bother to wash her hair. Brittany’s cut too, but I’m not convinced she’s been here the whole time so whatever.

PACK YOUR BAGS

Chris Harrison stops by the next morning to deliver the exciting news that the girls are finally being released from the Bachelor gulag Mansion. Their worldwide journey of love begins today in the most romantic place in the continental US – Milwaukee, Wisconsin!

we're going to milwaukee betches
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[Enthusiastic screeching]

All joking aside, Milwaukee is pretty fun. Nick and his girlfriends could:

  • Tailgate at a Brewers game and watch the sausage race!
  • Split an entire fried chicken topped bloody Mary at Sobelman’s!
  • Dance the night away at Milwaukee’s finest disco/club/possible brothel, Victor’s!

Much to my dismay, the dates don’t even take place in Milwaukee! Instead, everyone heads to Fake Milwaukee – Nick’s hometown of Waukesha. I mean:

not milwaukee
Waukesha ≠ Milwaukee

We see Nick’s beleaguered parents again. Nick’s parents have been on The Bachelorette twice before, and their only wish is that their nearly 40-year-old son find love like the rest of his 11 siblings.

“We don’t want to see you on this show again!” jokes Nick’s dad. “Just kidding!” (His steely eyes and gritted teeth tell us he is not kidding.)

Nick meets his gaggle of girlfriends in the park, but singles out Brunette Danielle for the first one on one date in Waukesha. They stroll through the town. There’s the library where Nick once made out with a girl in middle school! There’s the public park where he lost his virginity! TMI!

That evening, Nick takes Brunette Danielle to real Milwaukee. Brunette Danielle tells Nick she doesn’t want to rush into marriage, which makes total sense that she’s on a dating show where the goal is to get engaged to someone in 8 weeks. Nick has one more surprise for her – they crash another awkward concert where they have to slow dance like the homecoming king and queen in front of a huge audience of people. WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING.

CHEERS TO FARM LABOR

The group date has all of the girls hanging out with Nick at a dairy farm. Nick tells us that “being from Wisconsin, he’s more of a city boy” and I have never been so confused by a statement in my life.

Nothing says romance like hard manual labor and the pervasive smell of animal waste, so Nick and the girls get to work feeding cows and shoveling piles of manure. Corinne – who lives a life of no privilege, remember – doesn’t know how to do chores, especially farm chores. She suffers a hand cramp and goes to pout in a corner while whining about her endless hunger for sushi.

worst date
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Two farmers bring out a cow that needs milking. Nick (a city boy) is terrible at milking the cow. “I think some of the women need to show Nick how it’s done!” says the farmer. Not sure what that’s implying, but it seems gross and I hate it!

Later on, everyone washes the stink off themselves and shows up for the night date. Corinne is fed up with all of her haters and decides to confront the girls by telling them to quit talking behind her back and tell her to her face what their problem is. Sarah leads the charge and tells Corinne she’s immature for sleeping through last week’s rose ceremony and doubts she’s ready to marry a 36-year-old man. Clearly she doesn’t understand that Corinne was just taking a nap, like Michael Jordan or Abraham Lincoln did! Haters back off!

Nick pulls Kristina aside to chat. Kristina tells Nick she wants to open up to him and is getting ready to tell him her deepest secrets. Great! Nick definitely wants to hear about Kristina’s life – just not now. How about if he just talks about how pretty she is instead and doesn’t give her a chance to speak? What a guy.

Corinne worms her way over to Nick to tell him she’s smoothed things over with the girls, if by “smoothing things over” she means “made blood enemies for life”. Nick sympathizes with Corinne, since he too was the villain of his seasons. Garbage people gotta watch out for their own!

Nick can’t bother to give Kristina his attention, but he does give her the rose.

THE SAD COUNTRY BALLAD OF BACHELORETTE RAVEN

The last one on one date of the episode goes to Raven, and she’s over the moon. “If I could go on a date anywhere in the world it genuinely would be here!” she tells us. Compared to Hoxie, Alabama, Waukesha is probably like New York City.

Nick and Raven go and watch his youngest sister Bella’s soccer game and hang out with his parents. Nick’s mom doesn’t break down into tears this time, which is a good sign for Raven! One of the kids on the soccer team kicks a ball and hits Nick in the head, making them the MVP of game as fas as I’m concerned.

Post match everyone heads to the local roller rink. A small child is trapped inside a crane machine – WAIT WHAT –

crane kid
where is this child’s parents

but Raven is too busy talking to Bella to notice. Raven asks Bella if she watched Nick on Whore Island Bachelor in Paradise. “I wasn’t allowed to,” Bella responds. Good parenting, Mr. & Mrs. Viall!

That night Nick takes Raven to the Milwaukee Art Museum for a romantic dinner of red wine and nothing else. Raven tells Nick about her last relationship, which is straight out of a country song. I mean, it has EVERYTHING:

  • A cheating, no-good man
  • Speeding all the way to Little Rock, Arkansas
  • Catching the cheating, no-good man in the act
  • Beating him over the head with a stiletto
  • Crying about it to Momma

Jesus take the wheel!

What the Milwaukee Art Museum lacks in actual art it makes up for in roller blades. Nick and Raven skate around the museum (why???) and he gives her the rose.

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ROSE CEREMONY 2

Fast forward to the next night’s cocktail party. Tensions run high as Corinne faces her haters again. Josephine decides to go all Gretchen Weiners and buddy up to Corinne. She tells Regina GeorgeCorinne “its funny that people say things behind your back but you haven’t said much behind our backs”. Josephine, you sweet summer child. Why say something mean behind someone’s back when you can say it to a camera?

Taylor, encouraged by producers, is angling for another showdown with Corinne. She decides to drop some free therapy on her and questions Corinne’s “emotional intelligence” and maturity. Corinne is open to this discussion and it’s very productive for everyone.

NOT! They squabble and the show ends, promising a DRAMATIC next episode. Calling it now: Corinne and Taylor will face off on the dreaded two on one date.

maturity
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