Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

Episode 4: This Kind Of Sucks

Welcome back to another episode of The Bachelorette. This was a rough one, largely because it featured one truly awful scumbag getting way more screen time that was necessary. Hey Dean, fill us in on Lee’s deal:

truer words have never been spoken

Here’s the thing – this show thrives on dude feuds. When you put 25 dudes together and make them compete for one lady, THEY’RE GONNA FEUD. There’s not a whole lot of prodding that needs to be done. You especially don’t need to throw an openly racist dude into a diverse group of men just to see what happens! BECAUSE WHAT IS HAPPENING IS REALLY BAD AND NOT FUN TO WATCH.

It’s insidious that Lee is even on this show, given his very public, very backwards beliefs on people of color and women. (It’s telling that he only ever refers to his relationship with Rachel in terms of “winning” – there’s no affection for her as a person, just as a prize). There’s nothing entertaining about watching him goad Kenny and Eric into raising their voices, then retreating because Lee finds them “aggressive”. And there’s really no enjoyment in seeing him get a rose, knowing that he’s being kept around to crank up drama on next week’s two-on-one date.

Anyway, here’s some good things that happened at the Rose Ceremony:

  • Bryan’s singular facial expression (SEX EYEBALLS)
  • Quirks vs. Quarks vs. Corks
  • Peter wearing the hell out of that vest
  • Alex’s purple suit
sorry purple ZEBRA suit

Husbands who stay: Anthony, Eric, Alex, Will, Dean, Tickle Monster, Peter, Adam Jr., Bryan, Penguin, Josiah, Jack Stone, Iggy, Kenny, and Lee.

Out: Brady (?????), Square Jaw Guy, and Diggy. I hope Diggy gets to do some #sponcon for Warby Parker after this, because his glasses wardrobe was exquisite.

HILTON HEAD ISLAND

After the stressful Rose Ceremony, Rachel and the husbands are shipped off to Hilton Head Island in one of the Carolinas for a much needed change of scenery. To her credit, Rachel does not immediately describe Hilton Head as “a great place to fall in love”!

The men are thrilled to be unleashed in the wild again. They yell a lot. WHOOOAAAA! THERE’S GOLF CARTS! WHOOOOAAAAA! THERE’S A DATE CARD!

Dean gets the one-on-one this week and goes to enjoy a picnic of nothing but champagne with Rachel. However, she had an ulterior motive for taking him to a secluded field. A blimp descends from the sky, and Rachel and Dean get to take a ride! Too bad Dean is terrified of heights. He looks like he’s about to puke at any second, much like last season when Vanessa and Nick took the space plane and she vomited all over it. Then again, Vanessa won that season, so maybe there’s some benefit to barfing on these dates!

I guess I pictured the interior of a blimp to be more steampunk-y and glamorous, but it looks a lot like a public bus. Rachel and Dean soar over the swamps of whatever Carolina this is. Despite having no experience, the pilot lets Rachel and Dean take the controls and float past the other dudes’ hotel suite, effectively reminding them that they’re all losers.

don’t you need a license for this

Later that evening, Rachel and Dean talk about their childhoods over a nice dinner of bourbon. Rachel was raised in a strict but loving family. Dean’s upbringing was…not quite like that. He tells her about how his mom died of cancer when he was a teen and his whole family fell apart shortly after. Wugggggg.

Dean’s getting a pretty sympathetic edit this season, and I’m calling it now: He’s the next Bachelor.

SPELLING BEE

Everyone but Jack Stone is invited to the next day’s group date on a party boat. The men spot the boat and immediately race each other to it BECAUSE EVERYTHING HAS TO BE SPORTS.

Rachel is wearing a novelty captain’s hat and makes the dudes perform all sorts of nonsensical feats for her.

Push up contest, YAAASSSS
Dance contest, NOOOOOO

The boat docks and the guys walk into their final challenge – a spelling bee! “I thought it’d be a wet t-shirt contest or something,” Eric observes.

Rachel and a panel of pre-teen girls challenge the guys to spell words like schmuck, champagne, and boutonniere (legit a hard one!). It doesn’t help they’ve been day drunk on a boat all day.

good try

“I think math is your strongest subject,” one of the pre-teen girls says. ROASTED.

Josiah has been strutting around shirtless all day, overconfident in his sex appeal and spelling abilities. He’s cocky and starting to get on everyone’s nerves, until he’s awarded a trophy that he uses as a goblet and all is forgiven:

The evening part of the date drags the show back down to where we started – Iggy and Lee decide to talk shit about everyone, especially Kenny. The episode ends with a teaser for next week’s two-night special, where it sure looks like Lee and Kenny get stuck on the two-on-one date and it escalates into physical violence. UGH.

On the upside, the credits sequence of Josiah pretending to be King Joffrey from Game of Thrones with his spelling bee goblet is absolutely delightful.

king joffrey
a lannister always pays his debts

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