Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

Episode 5: A Stank Face on Your Face

We’re still in Waukesha, where much like the contestants, the temperatures are barely out of the teens. Taylor and Corinne continue their argument from last week, because nothing says maturity like repeatedly calling each other dumb bitches.

Like a flaming car wreck, the other women can’t look away. Kristina thinks Taylor and Corinne should both go home, since they’re causing so much drama. Kristina. Girl. Have you ever even watched this show?

Corinne’s voice gets progressively higher the more she argues with Taylor, until she goes nuclear and screeches that Taylor is NOT. HERE. FOR. THE. RIGHT. REASONS. Taylor is like:

liz
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Taylor realizes there’s no reasoning with Corinne and goes back into the barn to try and absorb some additional body heat.

Corinne asserts her desire to go find Nick and tell him what the heck is up. She’s going to go tell it like it is, and Nick better be ready, because the gloves are off and she’s not holding back!

Corinne: waaaaaahhhh Taylor is mean and rude and entitled and i don’t think she’s here for the right reasonsssss waaaaauuuugh

Nick: [incoherent mumbling]

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Chris Harrison rounds all the women up into the common area of the barn and graciously allows them to put on their coats. Nick shows up and starts to hand out roses, his breath visible in the frigid Wisconsin night.

The first rose goes to Whitney, who you cannot tell me has been here the whole time. Has she ever spoken? Is she Astrid’s twin? Have they been Parent Trap-ing us this whole time? I’m so confused.

astrid

Whitney

WHO ARE THESE WOMEN

Vanessa, Alexis, Jasmine, Rachel, Blonde Danielle, Josephine, Jaimi, Taylor, and Corinne all get roses. Sarah and Astrid can’t believe they got hypothermia for nothing. Sarah sobs over the loss of love/feeling in her toes. Astrid has likely frozen to death.

Glasses of champagne are passed out and everyone huddles for warmth as Nick informs the girls that their next exciting trip is to…Norlins! (New Orleans. He never pronounces it right). The girls seem less enthusiastic to go there than Waukesha, but I think that’s because they’re all halfway to being cryogenically preserved at this point.

NEW ORLEANS/NAWLINS/NEWLANDS

Everyone thaws out as they arrive in New Orlynns the next day. Nick think’s it’s “a great place to fall in love”. Never heard that before!

The women barely get to enjoy their swanky penthouse before Chris Harrison sweeps in to drop some news on them. There’s 3 dates this week – a one-on-one, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one.

“I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that Corinne and Taylor will obviously be on the two-on-one date how the two-on-one works,” Chris Harrison tells the girls.

Rachel gets the one-on-one date. Watching a grown adult do anything is a welcome change from watching two baby women wheedle each other about who’s more mature. Nick and Rachel tour the city of Newarlins and enjoy oysters, hot sauce, and beignets. They make a cute couple, even though Nick gets powdered sugar all over his pubey beard and dances like a dorky dad at a wedding during the second line. Nick has no swag, but it’s very nice of Rachel to say so.

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In a marvel of producer intervention, the second line marches past the hotel where all the other girls are staying and ruins all of their days.

THE ONE-ON-ONE

Later in the evening Nick and Rachel go to the garage where they wash the barf off the Mardi Gras floats. They sit down to enjoy a dinner of wine and possibly a double baked potato. Nick confuses the date for a performance review and tells Rachel she’s “exceeded expectations”.

Nick asks about her family. Rachel’s parents have been married for 36 years (”My parents have been married for 38!″ interrupts Nick). She tells him about her dad, who’s a federal judge and not nearly as nice as Rachel. Nick is sweating from more than the humidity. He wonders aloud how Rachel’s dad would respond if she brought a guy like him (read: a goofy dirtbag) home. Rachel uses her lawyer skills to diplomatically not answer! She gets the rose and they kiss a bunch. Rachel is a contender for the final rose, but given her successful career and great personality, I’d much rather see her as the next Bachelorette than engaged to Nick.

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The group date card is delivered and the relief is palpable as the women hear their names. In news that surprises no one, Corinne and Taylor are chosen for the two-on-one. “Let’s keep it civil and classy,” says the woman who dry humped Nick in a bouncy house last week.

SPOOKY GROUP DATE

The group rolls out to the countryside for their date. Josephine (who is still here somehow) points out the lovely old house (definitely a plantation) and the oak trees (clearly willow trees) as they arrive. Turns out the place is haunted, and the girls and Nick are going to spend the night there.

For being haunted, the house has a full bar and an eccentric bartender who slings mint juleps and an unbelievable story about the spooky little girl that haunts the place. Raven is not amused. “If we see a ghost I’m gonna rebuke that thing in the name of Jesus.” She can probably fight it off with a stiletto too.

Not everyone is afraid of ghosts. Jasmine is an experienced tomb raider and doesn’t believe in Molly or Megan or Millie or whoever this ghost is.

i don't know her
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Predictably, things get weird when night falls. Windows rattle! Chandeliers fall down! Whitney speaks for the first time!

The girls use a Ouija board and a haunted mirror to try and get answers from the other side. The very real ghost is like “What is a rose ceremony? I’ve been dead for 200 years.”

Nick talks to everyone individually, but he gives the group date rose to Blonde Danielle, telling her that “Absent makes the heart get stronger.”

r u serious
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What even

THE TWO-ON-ONE

Continuing the proud Bachelor tradition of taking mortal enemies into treacherous environments and just seeing what happens, Nick takes Corinne and Taylor into a gator infested bayou.

Nick looks like he’s a camp counselor mediating an argument between two teenagers, not a man who has any business of marrying either one of them.

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FRIENDLY PSA: NICK IS ALMOST 40.

The sweaty trio gets dropped off in the bayou, where they happen to come across a “voodoo” ceremony. It looks like some poor producer was forced to run to the new age store in the local mall and buy all the incense, tarot cards, and candles they could carry. It’s a pretty reductive and gross representation of an entire culture!

This date is boring and predictable, and all of the participants SUCK. In a nutshell:

  • Corinne uses her time with Nick to trash Taylor.
  • Nick confronts Taylor, who uses her time with him to defend herself and trash Corinne.
  • Taylor and Corinne stare each other down until Nick gives the rose to Corinne.
  • Nick and Corinne hop on a boat and leave Taylor in the bayou.

SHOCKER.

Taylor is furious. “Their relationship will be built off of whipped cream and lies!” The boat doesn’t come and pick her up until later in the night, so her rage continues to boil and she plots revenge. The editors splice together a scene to make it look like the voodoo priestess is imbuing Taylor with some evil magic, but I really think she was just helping a girl out and spraying her down with some bug spray.

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Meanwhile, Corinne, her boobs, and Nick settle in for a nice dinner of wine and nothing but wine. Corinne is on a whole new level of awfulness after “winning” and nothing can bring her down – until Taylor walks in.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN! To be continued, yet again.

dramatic chipmunk
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