Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

Episode 7: The Longest Episode Ever

Full disclosure: I was baking banana bread and missed the first ten minutes of this episode. From what I could gather:

  • Nick cries on a patio
  • Nick cries on a beach
  • Chris Harrison talks some sense into Nick
  • Nick tells the women he’ll stay on the show (what a trooper!)
nick cries
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Considering Nick sent five women home last week, he calls off the rose ceremony. He also announces that they’re leaving this terrible island of woe and heading to…Burma? Tivoli? Santorini? STOP MUMBLING!

BIMINI 

Raven thinks Resorts World® Bimini is a great place to fall in love. Bimini looks really similar to the last island that they were on, but thankfully there’s no volleyball nets in sight.

The first date card is dropped and it goes to Vanessa. The card reads “Let’s go deeper” and it’s not even for a Fantasy Suite. Instead, Nick and Vanessa hop on a giant boat. Fun fact about Vanessa: She’s never been on a boat! She seems to enjoy it much more than the space plane and doesn’t puke.

Nick remembered to wear sunscreen this time around, but neglected to put on sunglasses and squints at Vanessa while she waxes on about how their relationship has grown and how she’s here to stay. Nick’s response: “Yeah”.

Nick and Vanessa go snorkeling. Whether it’s true love or a lack of oxygen to her brain, Vanessa realizes this is the moment that she’s fallen in love with Nick. She tries to express her feelings, but they’re both wearing snorkels so it’s more like “blurbblurbblurbbblurbbbbblurb”.

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Meanwhile back at the Resorts World® Bimini Villa, Corinne is still salty that she didn’t get a one-on-one date yet. Corinne tells Rachel that she thinks Nick is looking for someone with depth. She just doesn’t see how Vanessa, a trilingual special ed teacher with a rich family life, is “deep”. Rachel is like:

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That evening, Nick and Vanessa go out for dinner wine. Vanessa decides that she’s going to tell Nick that she’s fallen in love with him and can’t wait to see the look on his face.

nick reacts to vanessa
derrrrrr

Yep, that’s about right

It’s not that Nick doesn’t feel the same way about Vanessa, but this is The Bachelor, and Nick learned well from his old buddy Ben Higgins about what happens when you tell multiple women that you’re in love with them. He pulls some Kellyanne Conway level verbal gymnastics and tells Vanessa that while he’s told women he loved them many many times before, he only wants to say “I love you” to one person this time, so it will be just like the first time he ever told anyone he was in love with them! Make sense?

THE GROUP DATE

There’s only one group date this week, and the lucky winner of that rose is guaranteed to take Nick home to meet their family. Corinne’s confident that she’ll win the rose, and she can’t wait to introduce Nick to her most important family members – her dogs, her sister, and Raquel the nanny.

Another yacht (or maybe it’s the same one, who knows) pulls up, and Corinne, Raven, Kristina, and Nick get on board. Corinne’s been on bigger yachts before, and shows off her yacht knowledge by saying things like “Ahoy!”

Once again, the producers wisely remembered to put sunscreen on the boat. Nick lathers up Kristina’s inner thighs while Corrine stares daggers at them both. Raven is pretty much a non-entity on this date, but she’s got a giant glass of champagne so she’s doing fine. They cruise past an tiny island and Nick assures the women no one is going to be left behind. Funny joke! Just ask Whitney from last week:

byeeeee betch
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Nick isn’t leaving the girls on an abandoned island, but he’s still testing their survival skills by taking them snorkeling…WITH SHARKS. Kristina makes some good observations about sharks:

  • They can bite
  • They can smell blood
  • Everyone on this date might die omg why is this happening

Raven isn’t worried – she’ll beat up a cheating man, exorcize spooky ghosts, and punch a shark in the face if need be. Is she from Hoxie, Arkansas or Moxie, Arkansas?

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The group dons their snorkels and swims for a bit. I’m no expert on the magic of TV editing, but I’m 99% sure the sharks are just stock footage edited in. Even so, Kristina did not survive 8 years in a Russian orphanage to get eaten by a shark and gets out of the water almost immediately. Nick follows her, leaving Corinne and Raven to fend the sharks off themselves.

Later that evening, Nick talks/weeps to each of the girls while Corinne binges on cheese cubes. Ultimately Raven gets the rose, meaning we’re going to Hoxie for Hometown date #1.

BORING DATE

Blonde Danielle gets the second solo date of the episode. Her and Nick hop on bikes and ride around Bimini for a fun filled day of souvenir shopping, interrupting a children’s basketball game, and drinking beer out of stylish raffia koozies.

raffia koozies
look at these koozies i love them

Despite both being from Wisconsin–and Blonde Danielle offering to bring Nick “up nort” to her family’s cabin for her hometown date–Nick and Danielle have no chemistry. Part of it could be shyness on Blonde Danielle’s part. She reminds us that the last time she was in love, the person DIED, so opening her heart up isn’t easy. Nick doesn’t pick up on this or feel like putting in additional effort to get to know her, so after a fake dinner of wine he sends her home early. The remaining women comfort Blonde Danielle as she packs her suitcase, so I hope she’s at least getting some lasting friendships out of this whole debacle. I mean, aside from Corinne, who tells the camera that it’s sad that someone so sweet got dumped, but now there’s less competition. Sisterhood!

THE PLATINUM VAJEEN

As Blonde Danielle is carted off the island, Corinne decides to check on seduce Nick. Corinne subscribes to Cosmo and is well versed in the concept of fuck-me pumps, even if she can’t walk in them very well. As she totters down the hotel hallway, her voiceover informs us that while “her heart is gold, her vajeen is platinum”. She boasts about her top-notch “sex abilities”, undoubtedly pulled from the same issue of Cosmo.

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Nick pretends to act surprised when she shows up to “just hang out”, and pops a bottle of champagne for the both of them. Corinne quickly drops the pretense of caring about his feelings and shoves him into his room to run him through the August 2015 issue’s 13 Sex Positions to Melt His Brain! But before she can get started, Nick shuts things down. “I’m still dating five other women. Wait until the Fantasy Suite and there’s only 3 of you, because then it’s not weird!” Corinne is mortified and goes back to the villa to drown her feelings in cheese cubes.

DEAR GOD HOW IS THIS EPISODE STILL GOING

The sun rises yet again, and it’s Rachel’s turn for a one-on-one date. Her date card says they’re going to sample the local flavor, and Rachel rejoices that she gets “the food date”. THE BEST KIND OF DATE!

Nick takes her to a bar, where they drink more beer out of raffia koozies. The bartender does his best imitation of the sage Jorge from Bachelor in Paradise and drops some wisdom: “Make sure this guy really needs you, not just wants you.”

SPOILER ALERT: Rachel was announced as the next Bachelorette, so evidently she heeded the bartender’s advice and realized that she didn’t really need or want Nick after all.

ROSE CEREMONY

DOUBLE SPOILER ALERT: There is no rose ceremony this week, because the world is topsy turvy and rules don’t apply anymore. Nick stops by to talk with Chris Harrison, who is still a little woozy from getting what looks to be a boatload of botox injections:

botox chris harrison
are u ok chris harrison

Nick asks if he could just break up with whoever’s not getting a hometown date so he doesn’t have to single her out at the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison can’t feel his face and is like “whatever you want bro”.

Nick heads to the house and pulls Kristina aside. He starts up with his weepy breakup routine, but Kristina has a heart of iron and refuses to comfort him. “You didn’t give me a fair shot,” she tells him. “ I know I have a lot to offer someone and it could have been you.”

DAMN. May we all handle breakups as well as Kristina. Granted, she starts sobbing in the (extremely slow moving) limo on the way to the airport, but she still comes out looking better than Nick.

Next week promises A TWIST THAT CAN’T BE BELIEVED, so look forward to that, I guess!

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