Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

Episode 7: The Other Lake Geneva

Chris Harrison granted us a reprieve after four hours of The Bachelorette two weeks ago, and tonight’s episode returns us to the formulaic programming we’re used to. OR DOES IT?? This week, Rachel takes three one-on-one dates, and then changes the game with the first ever…THREE-ON-ONE date?!

DATE 1: BRYAN

Peter, Eric, Dean, Bryan, and (by some arcane forces) Adam and Matt the Penguin all take a boat to Switzerland. Rachel tells the camera she’s looking to get serious in Switzerland and see what relationships are progressing the best, since hometowns are right around the corner. She swoops into the guys’ suite looking UH-MAY-ZEENG in a white turtleneck ensemble and informs the husbands that the first one-on-one date starts now, and it’s for Bryan.

seriously though this outfit is so good

Bryan suits up and he and Rachel hit the streets of Geneva like ballers. They drive around in a Bentley and decide to go look at Breitling watches. You know the watch store they’re in is classy AF because they sip complementary champagne the whole time. Rachel tells Bryan she’s going to buy* them both $$$$$ watches, and he’s so excited he practically tackles her and macks on her as the quiet salesperson looks on uncomfortably.

*I’m assuming the watches were donated by Breitling, because I’d never heard of the brand before this show and have now typed it twice. Product placement!

That evening, Bryan and Rachel enjoy a wine dinner in a candlelit opera house. It’s wildly romantic! Rachel is smitten at this point and Bryan is hypnotized by his fancy watch. It’s so shiny!

Rachel still suspects Bryan is too smooth to be true and fishes around about his last relationship. Bryan admits that he got seriously very quickly with his ex, but she and his mother disagreed on everything so they had to split up. Seems kind of fishy! Despite that, Rachel gives Bryan the first rose, guaranteeing him a hometown date. Bryan latches on to her face and they try and dance to a string quartet, which is kind of hard when you have a guy on you like:

all on your face

At the end of the night Rachel says Bryan makes her feel like a princess, but she just dropped several Gs on a watch for him so who’s really the princess in this scenario?

DATE 2: DEAN

While Rachel and Bryan are out, another date card arrives for Dean. “Please don’t punch me in the face,” Dean pleads as Adam and Matt try to melt his flesh with their burning glares.

Dean’s date card told him to dress in his “Sunday best” which means it’s a church date! First Dean had to endure the terror of being on a blimp, and now he’s got to sit through a Catholic mass in French. Worse still, it appears to be a random Tuesday afternoon because there is hardly anybody in church.

the worst day of dean’s life

The date doesn’t get much better afterwards. Rachel is interested in getting to know Dean on a more serious level and possibly meet his family next week. As someone who is clearly dealing with family trauma that he doesn’t want to broadcast, Dean turns to humor to deflect Rachel’s questions.

she’s not having it

Later on, Dean and Rachel sit around some fondue but don’t eat it. He explains that he’s uncomfortable at the prospect of Rachel meeting his family – especially his “patriarchal, dysfunctional” father (sounds very Fox News-y)- but Rachel offers him a hometown date rose anyway. Dean accepts and they make out under a tree as a fountain ejects a single stream of water, in a very Bachelor in Paradise manner.

DATE 3: PETER

Back at the hotel, the final date card is delivered. It’s for Peter.

DENIED

Adam and Matt the Penguin are pissed, but honestly? They just got like, three weeks of free vacations for doing NOTHING. Look at the positives, bros!

Peter and Rachel take a helicopter into the Swiss Alps and get on a dogsled. Peter does not wear a hat and accumulates a lot of frost on his normally perfect hair. This date looks freezing and I am not into it.

no thanks

Later on, Rachel and Peter thaw out for dinner. Rachel’s pretty sure she’s giving Peter a hometown date rose, but just wants to confirm that his Midwestern family would be accepting and aren’t secretly racist or anything. Peter emphasizes that even though he’s never dated a black woman before, his family is loving and would be accepting of their relationship. Actually, Peter has not really introduced many women to his parents, even his last girlfriend who it sounded like he was living with? His story about his breakup with his ex was edited into the previews to make it look like he was breaking up with Rachel, but it turned out to be more of a generic “I was a shitty boyfriend and made a woman cry” story. I think Peter’s a real contender if they’re trying to give him a lousy edit and sow doubt that he’s the winner. Rachel gives him the third hometown rose.

THREE-ON-ONE DATE

Eric, Adam, and Matt the Penguin get on a boat and take a day trip to France for the three-on-one date. Adam has been staring at his vision boards and reading The Secret, and is convinced that the universe will manifest a final hometown rose for him, despite he and Rachel barely speaking.

?!?!?!?! where are you getting this adam

For her part, Rachel is considering all of the guys’ strengths on this date:

  • She and Adam talked twice
  • She had an incredible date in Copenhagen with Eric
  • Matt is still here

Eric talks to Rachel first, and he NAILS his one-on-one time by saying stuff like “you make me feel strong” and “it’s hard, but it’s worth it”. He’s attentive and vulnerable and cute and pretty much clinches the final rose right there.

Adam takes the same approach as Eric – sincerity! – but it all sounds shallow after Eric’s portion. Also there’s no Adam Jr. this episode, which is a real miss.

Matt talks to Rachel for maybe the first time this season, but she sends him home through her tears. Like, she doesn’t know his last name, she’s in no position to introduce him to her parents! Matt may be gone, but he made it further than anyone else who ever showed up on this program wearing a gimmicky costume, so we salute him. May he meet Alexis the dolphin in Paradise.

made for each other

That night, Eric and Adam join Rachel for an extremely awkward dinner. She talks to them both and Adam says that his family will “bring light to her eyes”. OK BRO.

Eric admits he had a rough upbringing in Baltimore, but it inspired him to be a force for good and to help other people. His family was fractured by crime and poverty, so he never brought a girl home to meet his mom before. Rachel is taken aback by this, but it also seems perfectly reasonable that based on everything Eric dealt with in his life dating took a backseat?

Rachel pretends to think about who gets the last rose, but it’s no surprise when she gives it to Eric. Adam is sent off in an Uber, lamenting that Rachel made a massive mistake. I think he’s mainly sad that he left Adam Jr. behind.

PROOF THAT PETER WINS

The post credits scenes this season have been humorous, and this week is no different. Rachel and Peter are on the dogsled, and one of the dogs poops while running. Peter jokes that that’s just what happens when you run a mile and the two of them both laugh like ten year olds, because you’re never too old for potty humor.

Chris (my husband): Well, they’re getting married.

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