Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

Episode 9: WTF

Confession time, everybody. This might come as a shock, especially considering I have a fake Ph.D in this subject, but I have not actually been watching The Bachelor for that many years.

My trash TV undergrad was mainly in the golden age of VH1 reality programming (Rock of Love, Tough Love, Tool Academy, et al) and since there’s really only so much of this garbage that one human can watch, I totally missed Nick and Andi’s season. As a result, their interaction is meaningless to me.

Plus, this whole scene is so transparently staged it’s not even fun to watch. “Heard you were in town,” Andi tells Nick. Yeah, you heard that from a producer. I get that Nick and Andi had some bad blood because she cut him after “making love” to him in the Fantasy Suite and he was all like:

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(Never forget that Nick is THE WORST.)

The only notable bits of this interaction is that Andi advises Nick to sleep with all the women if it feels right because #feminism and also that Nick isn’t sure he’ll get engaged at the end of this show. Even though he’s the Bachelor! It might not happen for real! Truly!

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BUT HONESTLY WHO CARES ANYMORE JUST GET TO THE ROSE CEREMONY

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Everyone got a spray tan and contoured aggressively for this rose ceremony. Unfortunately, it’s 15 degrees and the girls are forced to stand in the gusting wind on a patio while Nick hangs out with Andi. Everyone’s wearing a coat, but Rachel is the only one who planned ahead and coordinated her coat with her dress. The other three look like they’ve just snuck out of the winter formal to go smoke under the bleachers. It’s not a great look!

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Nick comes out wearing all black, like an undertaker. He moves quickly through the rose ceremony, and Raven, Rachel, and Vanessa are all guaranteed a fantasy suite date.

Which means Corinne is going home.

She handles it well.

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Typically the Bachelor has some difficulty making cuts this late in the game, but Nick’s eyes are dry as he ushers Corinne to her limo.

Corinne: I’m sorry if I did something wrong

Nick: You did nothing wrong! But please get in the limo because this is a loading zone and it’s been more than 15 minutes

The limo drives Corinne away, but considering Bachelor in Paradise is coming up it’s not like she’ll be gone long. Yay?

FINLAND

Turns out keeping the girls half frozen on the balcony was practice for the last stop on this journey of love – scenic Finland! Typically the last few episodes are filmed somewhere warm and exotic, but after Jojo’s season finale in Thailand the producers wisely decided that nobody wants to watch men sweat through that many dress shirts.

Naturally, Nick can’t imagine a better place to fall in love than Finland. He meets up with Raven and they fly over the tundra in a helicopter. Raven never dreamed that her humble beginnings in Hoxie would ever lead to Finland (no shade, but does anyone ever dream of ending up in Finland?)

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Raven and Nick hang out at a pub and play darts with some locals. Raven knows tonight is big – she’s dead set on telling Nick she loves him, and also having her first ever orgasm since her old dirtbag boyfriend never did anything for her. Does Raven not realize that you don’t need a guy to have an orgasm? Girl.

At the pub, Nick and Raven talk about their future and squabble over ironing vs. steaming clothes, which is a pretty realistic snapshot of what married life is like. Despite their differences in appliance choices, Raven declares she wants to spend the rest of her life with Nick.

Dinner is a plate of potatoes and nothing but potatoes and lots of red wine. It’s needed, because Raven is plucking up the courage to spill her feelings to Nick. She tells him that falling in love with him was easy, and he makes her feel like she never has before. She feels comfort! She loves him! It’s all very sweet. Nick tells the camera he really appreciates Raven declaring her love for him, considering he probably doesn’t reciprocate it.

With the first big statement out of the way, Raven finishes her wine and drops the second one on Nick – she’s only slept with one other guy, never had an orgasm, and can’t wait for the fantasy suite tonight!

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AND THAT’S WHERE THE EPISODE ENDS.

WTF, Chris Harrison. We only get an hour this week, and to make up for it we’re supposed to sit through THREE HOURS of this next week?! Insanity!

(…I’ll be watching every minute.)

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