Reality TV Ph.D

Here for the wrong reasons.

BIP Week 3: The Ballad of Scallop Fingers

This week’s episode starts out with a blindfolded Jack Stone trying to guess what the girls are feeding him. Alexis, the New Jerseyian Trickster Goddess she is, tries to feed him a dead crab.

you got pranked, Jack Stone

It’s a mildly disgusting prank, and Jack Stone. Is. Not. Having. It. He fumes that Alexis’ treachery has cost her his rose tonight!

Meanwhile, a new girl arrives. It’s Christen (???) from Nick’s (?) season! She’s got new boobs, a floral romper, and a date card! The girls aren’t that excited to see her, and set to fixing her up with one of the two duds on the beach, lonely dog daddy Ben Z and possible serial killer Jack Stone.

But you know who Christen is feeling? Matt, Jasmine’s dude.

this is going to go well

Jasmine informs Christen that Matt is her man, so Christen can go pick one of the duds or put herself in an Uber back to the airport. That warning sticks until Matt pulls Christen aside and mentions that he and Jasmine aren’t really an item and he’d happily accept her date card. She gives it to him, and Matt goes to give Jasmine an FYI.

Matt: hey Jasmine im gonna go on this date

Jasmine: no you’re not 

Matt: but like if I did 

Jasmine: *thinks murder thoughts* “its fine I’m not even mad”

Jasmine is, however, VERY MAD. As Matt and Christen head out on their boring date to a frozen banana stand, Jasmine tells anyone who will listen that Christen is a vile slimy little skank snake who has scallop fingers. WHAT?

THE BALLAD OF SCALLOP FINGERS

Basically, Jasmine recalls the time all the rejected ladies from Nick’s season went to the clerb and shared a limo. Christen had the nerve to bust out her leftover scallop dinner and scarf them down with her bare hands!! Then she touched Alexis’ shoulder WITH HER SCALLOP FINGERS WHICH MADE ALEXIS’ SHOULDER SMELL FISHY. QUELLE HORROR.

The scallop finger story is enough to convince the Paradise cohort that they all hate Christen. When her and Matt return from their banana stand date, the girls ignore Christen, except when they laugh in her face when she comes near them. Christen is like “what’s so funny?” and none of the girls will tell her. UGH. Is anyone else having traumatic middle school flashbacks?

how very

ROBBY STRIKES OUT

Later that evening the contestants decide to play a rousing game of Scattergories. Robby rudely interrupts to pull Amanda aside for some alone time. In a romantic gesture, Robby has thrown a bunch of glow sticks into a pool for her? OK, sure. He confesses his totally manufactured feelings to Amanda, and she’s like “hey great, you’re still too sweaty to kiss but you could be my Scattergories partner! Anything to avoid touching mouths.”

Meanwhile, Dean is still trying to keep Kristina into him as he oogles D.Lo. Other couple Derek and Taylor fight for some irrelevant filler. I got up at this point to eat a granola bar, so insert your own reasoning!

ROSE CEREMONY

Another uneventful day of nursing tequila hangovers culminates in a Rose Ceremony. Matt throws a wrench into the game when he decides to leave rather than cause tension between Jasmine and Christen. That’s one less guy giving out a rose, and Sarah, Lacey, Jasmine, and Christen are descending into madness as the hour draws near. Dean tells both Kristina and D.Lo that he’s infatuated with them, so that’s totally going to work out! Taylor and Derek make up from their fight. Amanda decides Robby has been patient, so she agrees to kiss him and feminism just got set back 25 years.

BUT THEN, like an angel from the heavens, Canadian Daniel descends into Paradise. What does he have to say?

  • “The eagle has landed”
  • “Trump, this is one immigrant you can’t keep out”
  • “I don’t want a girl who wants my rose, I want a girl who wants my dick”
God bless this stupid idiot

OH DANIEL. After being hounded by the women, Chris Harrison calls a cease fire on the cocktail party and the Rose Ceremony begins.

  • Daniel gives a rose to Lacey, who is somehow legitimately interested in dating him
  • Jack Stone gives Christen a rose
  • Derek to Taylor (duh)
  • Dean to Kristina, even though he wants D.Lo too
  • Robby to Amanda
  • Diggy to Dominique
  • Adam to Raven
  • Ben Z to D.Lo (TWIST!)
  • DOUBLE TWIST: Matt comes back!

Not to stay, just to bestow his rose on someone deserving. Someone like…Jasmine? She’s still salty AF for him leaving, but accepts the rose.

TRAGICALLY, this means Alexis, our sharky matriarch of Paradise, is heading back to New Jersey. We’ll miss her goofy antics and insatiable need for clear liquors.

LUCHA DATE

The next morning, costumed producers in Lucha masks ambush the contestants in their bunk beds to give Daniel a date card. “I had no idea sumo wrestling was a thing in Mexico,” says Christen. GEEZUS GIRL you stupid.

Canadian Daniel is conflicted over which girl to take on the date. He’s here’s to get laid after all. And even though Lacey is into him, he tells us “I don’t want to put all my chickens into one egg and have it hatch into a dinosaur”. GEEZUS DANIEL you stupid.

Ultimately, Daniel takes Lacey to Luchador wrestling school. They get some ill-fitting masks and learn some basic fight choreography. But wait, who’s in the audience of this match??

Jorge yayyyy

Canadian Daniel and Lacey enjoy frolicking around in wrestling costumes. Daniel describes it as “arousing”. WE’RE MOVING ON.

DR. TICKLE MONSTER TO YOU

Back on the beach, a new guy drops in– the Tickle Monster from Rachel’s season! Did you know his real job is being a doctor and not tickling people all the time? The ladies are feeling that. However, Tickle Monster’s hands recognize some Scallop Fingers when he sees (smells?) them, and takes Christen on a date.

Jack Stone is salty – he almost ate a dead crab this week AND the girl he gave a rose to is on another date. He glowers over a daiquiri and plots his next move.

Tickle Monster and Scallop Fingers have an uneventful dinner UNTIL SOME PRODUCER DELIVERS THEM A PLATE OF SCALLOPS THAT THEY EAT WITH THEIR HANDS LIKE PIRATES. “These are squishy!” observes Christen. Then this happens:

make it stop

I’M OUT.

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